Saint Bernadette

I mean no disrespect.  Mine is too.

And I’ve chosen this moment, the advent of what we in America collectively refer to as “the holidays”, a time when according to basically every source, Americans typically gain between three and five pounds and contrary to popular or their own belief, never lose it, but instead allow that holiday chub to compound on itself year after year.

First of all, let me clarify what I mean by “fat ass”.  Before anyone gets too upset that I am just buying into our celebrity-obsessed, beauty-obsessed culture, or going on a knee-jerk liberal tirade about the evils of capitalism, or going on a right-wing bender about personal responsibility in health care, let me assure you that I am not.    What am I doing is finally calling out for ridicule that big chunk of fat, big enough to grab in an average human palm, that hangs off the back of my/your ass doing nothing for nobody.

Are you familiar with this chunk?

Just yesterday, I grabbed mine and asked it, “what exactly is it that you do?”  It had no answer for me.

It had no answer, because the truth is that this lazy piece of ass just sits around letting the rest of my body do all the work.  You know those aches in your knees, that sore back, your tight shoulders?  They are just the side effects of these more noble body parts’ efforts to haul around your pointless fat ass.

In addition to fat, your fat ass is comprised of some large muscles called gluteus maximus.  As the name suggests, the gluteus maximus is one of the largest and strongest muscles in the body.  But if your maximus is anything like my maximus, it spends most of its time face down on a cushioned chair or sofa and if it does actually get up and move around, it does so by lounging, like Cleopatra on a palanquin, carried around by any number of over-worked, over-taxed muscles and bones in your body. The stress on these body parts shows in the way you carry yourself, in your every day aches and pains, in your sleep patterns,  in virtually everything you do.

Okay, so you’re with me on the way it might affect your individual body, but how am I going to make it responsible for the decline of society?

As follows.

What gives you the will and motivation you need to achieve your full potential?

I understand this is a loaded question.  Another part of the decline of modern civilization is the fact that plenty of people have no desire to achieve their full potential and would most likely laugh at being asked this question.

But still, for many, many people, this question lingers in the back alleys of the mind, springing up in a Saturday morning hangover or in a stream of criticisms from the boss or even in the reflection in the mirror.

Your fat ass could be your motivation.

The gluteus maximus has enough strength and power to help you run that extra mile, do those extra sit ups, those extra jumping jacks, even to keep you more comfortable in your chair for that final hour at the office, but does it engage?  Does it offer up its super-human strength when you need it most?  No, it does what it always does.  Nothing.

Instead, of working for YOU, your fat ass requires you to do things for IT.  In the next few days, we’ll examine three (3) central things you have to do to accommodate your fat ass and the effects these things have on the world.

It is my sincere hope that this examination, with its necessary digressions into quantum mechanics, Greek Mythology, feminism, psychotherapy, voodoo economics, ethnomusicology, and other holiday-like disciplines, will open a dialogue between you and your fat ass so that by next year it will require and deserve an extra helping of sweet potatoes that it can quickly burn off by sending you even further along your journey to greatness!

Stay tuned!