Nothing builds character like a litany of humiliations. Use your time at the airport to collect as many character-enriching experiences as you can. Here’s a list of some we tried this holiday season and we can feel the possibility of our future qualification for the Nobel Peace Prize building as we speak!
1. Attempt to “relax.
Sink into the airport experience at the XPress Spa by getting a pedicure only to be interrupted by a false alarm boarding call. This will result in the hideous display of brutal humanity referred to as the “paper sandal shuffle”. You’ll struggle to hold onto your luggage, your socks, and your self-respect as you simultaneously announce to the world your vanity AND ruin the $50 toenails. (For best results try the shade “I’m Not Really a Waitress” by OPI.)
2. Develop fake relationships with celebrity look-alikes.
We all love to people-watch at the airport. Take it one step further by settling on a few of your favorites, name them for their closest celebrity lookalike (ours was Johnny Depp) and then stare as much as possible until you become “aware” of each other. As you walk around the rat maze-like environs of your gate, seeing your new cele-friend will help prepare you for that swiftly approaching day when all of your character building exercises finally land you in the company of the real celebrity. And after all this research, you’ll have tons to talk about!
3. Compose uninformed, judgmental dismissals of complete strangers’ total existences based on their choice of footwear.
Though it is written “judge not, lest ye be judged“, there’s nothing wrong with practice judging at the airport. Flexing your judgment muscles is a great way to learn about how wrong and petty judging others can be. Taking this consequence-free opportunity to cruelly size-up complete strangers will assist you on your journey toward fair and balanced thought, compassion and forgiveness. It’s a lot like working out those small, helper muscles that support your larger muscles while you’re working your abs and butt.
And, of course, it has also been said “you can tell a lot about a person by their shoes.”
4. Take this time to avoid the food court slop and investigate the organic, gluten free treats at Hudson News. After some droopy chicken and lettuce at Au Bon Pain, we liked these yummy treats from Mrs. May’s Naturals.
5. Ask super-familiar-faced-yet-unnameable-character-actor tragically trapped here with the rest of the F-list why he looks familiar.
and finally, the best of all . . .
6. Bud into young people’s conversations about their ever-delaying flights to inform them that they don’t want to go to New York City for New Year’s Eve anyway.
You’ll feel momentarily better and these young people will have benefited from your superior knowledge. The NYPD will thank you!