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QUESTION: I’ve worked 35 years, retired recently, and now I’m almost a full time baby sitter for my grand daughter, age 3. My husband and I love our daughter and her family, but how do we reclaim our peaceful home? We didn’t signed up for another full time job, for sure!
My daughter lives closeby (wonderful), but she relies on my husband and me too much. After I agreed to watch our grand daughter on Mondays, now its 3-4 days a week. AARGHH!.
REPLY:
Great question! You’re not alone in this quandary and it comes up all the time in talks I give across the country. One woman almost echoed your exact words recently: “I’m leaving my job after 39 years and I’m sure not going to confine myself in “a pressure cooker” of raising another generation. Its time to say NO!” Others half jokingly said, “Its time to change the locks, or move a few states away or…Australia sounds pretty good!”
Over 2 million grandparents nationwide are not just babysitting but raising grandchildren. Their average age is 48 and almost 40% still work full time outside of home. With those national stats as background, the name of the game is DEFINE BOUNDARIES while still having fun with your extended family. Its great that your daughter lives close by and you and your husband can still be an important part of their world. However, you have a life of your own that needs to be reclaimed and nurtured.
Have you ever heard a flight attendant say “put the mask on yourself first and then put it on your child (or someone sitting near you acting like a child)!” You get the point. Take care of you first. If you’re fresh, fit, and well rested, you can tackle a host of dilemmas and daily problems. Now let’s apply that thinking to you and your daughter.
Its time to clear the air and begin anew. Let your daughter know that Monday is your “family” day and the rest of the week is devoted to personal time, errands, projects, and volunteering.
Let her know that you’ll be there for her in an emergency; but not on a regularly scheduled basis multiple days a week.
Practice saying “no” in a loving yet firm voice. You worked hard for the rewards that you deserve and have time to enjoy. Don’t get burned out and let regrets and resentment take hold.
There will be exceptions and that’s OK. Just make sure you don’t feel taken advantage of.
On the flip side, be ready when your day with the “munchkin” arrives. We’ll look at that side of the coin next. Every minute should be enjoyed as grandparenting can and should be fun, bonding, and nothing short of amazing for both grandparent and grandchild!
We’re all in this boat together so share your stories of what works, what doesn’t, and let’s learn from each other. Keep those comments coming.
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