Game Plans for Work & Life

Note from Joyce:  The next series of blogs will focus on eight important life dimensions which include: Health and Well Being, Fun and Play, Inner Growth, Relationships, Money Matters, Learning, Productive Pursuits and Home.   Each blog will include essential to know facts at mid life, key questions to ask yourself and a valuable activity.  If a question or concern is sparked for you, send us an question or comment and we’ll print your reply or send you a private message.    

HOME

As we prepare for the holiday season ahead and possible visits with friends and family,  it’s a smart time to take stock of what’s working and what you need to think about on the home front.  Here’s a good place to begin.  Think about the following questions related to your home:

QUESTIONS

1. Do I need more or less physical space? More or less “stuff”? How do I begin the downsizing process?

2. Is my home accessible to elders or people with disabilities?  How might it be even more accessible?

3. In what ways could my home be made safer?  More energy efficient?  Free of clutter?  

4. Which home improvement projects are high on my priority list?

5.What would motivate me to relocate and/or stay put?

6. How do I feel about possibly leaving the area, local friends and family?

7. Honestly speaking, where do I feel most “at home?”

8. How important is my living arrangement related to recreation, hobbies, medical needs and services?

9. Have I considered long term care insurance for in-home care if and when I need it?

10. Is transportation available to me if I can’t drive in the future?

11. There is adequate equity in my current home to pay for relocation (taxes, moving expenses, closing costs, etc.). 

12. As my health changes (and/or my partner), what type of housing shifts may I need to consider? 

FACTS & FOLLOW UP: 

From mid 1990’s to early 21^st century, more than 90% of mid lifers remained at home or moved to a more accessible living space near where they lived. Most people cited reasons such as the desire to stay near friends and family, comfortable community, familiarity with important people such as Dr., vets, community services, and nearby recreation, culture and leisure activity.

Everyone needs to ponder the question of relocation and/or staying where you are.  Before difficult times become reality, think through and discuss the decision, who will be impacted, and what are the consequences pro and con. 

Prior to looking around at what’s out there,  look into the myriad of options from Continuing care residential communities, adult hotels, naturally occurring retirement communities (norc’s),  retirement cruise ships, etc. The activity below will help you focus on this inquiry. 

Invest a morning or afternoon of your leisure time to look at alternative living styles and the types of spaces that are available.  List all the considerations that you care about such as cost of living, monthly fees, amenities, needed space,  proximity to family, friends, etc.     

There are no easy answers here, only the thinking and advice of those who have gone before us.  What we do know…think about the options sooner rather than later. 

 HOME SWEET HOME ACTIVITY

Consider each of these options regarding where you might want to live in the future.  Place a check by those that sound appealing.  It doesn’t matter how many you select at this point.

___Living Abroad                             ___Living in a college town         ___Independent living, assisted living

___Urban                                             ___Suburban                                     ___Rural

___By the water (lake, ocean)   ___Gated community                    ___Apartment, Townhome

___Adult community (55+)          ___Near a mountain/forest        ___Island paradise

___Warmer climes                          ___Snow; winter activity              ___Co-op or Apartment

___with friends/family                 ___ On a farm                                    ___near airport; transportation

___Add your own                            ___Add your own                            ___Add your own

Now, cluster the ones that sound most appealing to you.  Think about ways you might combine them to enjoy a future that’s even better than where you now live.  If someone else is impacted with where you live, both of you should do the above activity and then compare answers.  Are you going to the same locale?   Makes for interesting conversation!

Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS) was coined back in the 70’s to describe parents’sense of loss, loneliness, and lack of purpose when children leave home. It used to be women were most affected by ENS; not so anymore. Matter of fact, the reverse seems to be truer now.  Men who were away from home working while their children were growing up now have time for family, but their young adults have moved out.  Being a parent is forever. However, the time will come when your children will grow up and leave home, leaving the house empty and silent, and time on your hands.

If you’re in an empty nest or see it coming soon, ask yourself:

1. How would I rate my level of contentment at home?
2. How am I doing? What do I enjoy most? What do I miss? Do I need to make some changes?
3. How can I prepare myself and my home for a future empty nest? (it might be time to convert one of their bedrooms into a spa, office, hobby or work area)
4. What projects am I considering such as volunteering, travel, job, hobbies?

The 2000 census showed that almost 4 million grown children (mid-20’s –mid-30’s) moved back home due to financial and/or personal reasons.  This phenomenon is the “revolving door” or “nest refill.”  Add grandchildren to the mix, and it’s time when parents and adult children MUST define boundaries related to home, privacy, time, activities and funds.

Now its easier to stay connected through cell phones, twitter, facebook, phone cards, affordable airfare, instant messaging, email and chat rooms..  

Jane’s mother is a great example of an empty nest Mom. She was 100% wife and mother.  When her daughters left and her husband died, she became a professional calligrapher and had the time of her life with her new freedom and valued skills.  Dads are adapting the strategy of spending more time with younger children who are still at home, or, if they are already gone, create new relationships with them and with grandchildren.   

Often mothers become more independent and self confident on their own. They experience enhanced well being and creativity. Recently, lunching with a friend, we noticed this T shirt truth: “The kids aren’t really gone until they take their stuff out of the attic and the basement.” Every parent in the restaurant smiled in recognition.  

Now with the kids out of the house, there’s no urgency to shop for food, no worry about where the kids are at night. The house is quieter and neater. Marital intimacy surely can increase. In essence, there’s greater overall satisfaction with life, especially when communication is maintained with adult children.

The final analysis is that when children leave home, you face a transition just as much as they do. Opportunities come to the prepared parent. Greet this time of life with a feeling of adventure and you’ll delete the word “empty” from your nest.

www.emptynest.com Valuable discussion forums for empty nesters and a good site to meet others  

Also, on the website, check out valuable ENS books such as:

Its Your Time Now: What Will You Do With It?

Empty Nest:  Rediscovering Love and Success

The Empty Nesters Guide

The “Happy” Empty Nest

How to Survive and Thrive the Empty Nest

Wherever you work, have you ever considered what the place will be like in 10 or 20 years? Is it (or will it be) an employer of choice for the older, experienced worker?  Ask yourself key questions about your current work environment to get a feel for where you are vs. where you may want to be in the future. 
(1) Are work related interactions among experienced workers and new employees commonplace? 

(2) Do all levels of workers participate in company sponsored development opportunities?

(3) Do people of all ages enjoy working there?

(4) Is there a “we/they” mindset at work or do the majority feel “we’re all in this together.” 

(5) Do older workers recommend that younger people work there?

(6) Do older workers have flexibility to care for parents /grandchildren as younger workers have for child care? 

(7) Do people come and go in your company from both experienced and newer ranks? 

(8) Are older and younger employees teamed together for work related projects? 

These types of questions help to identify an age friendly work environment vs. one that succumbs to age discrimination.

There are many actions that can create a more age friendly work environment .  Experienced workers can play an important role to prepare for your own future while at the same time transferring pertinent knowledge to younger workers.  Take stock of these types of offerings, see what is currently provided or what could be implemented that would have the greatest impact on you and your co-workers. Then, determine the best way to proceed. Perhaps talk with a support professional at your workplace or implement the most desirable option with your colleagues on your own.  Remember that old expression  “If it’s meant to be, it’s up to me.”

Recognize the types of institutional memory you possess within your organization.

Launch a mentoring program where older workers pass on important knowledge, traditions and “how to” to younger workers.   
Talk with your human resource department about launching a retirement planning program to begin creating both a professional and personal plan of action. 

Establish a career counseling center (or partner with one in the community) to assist with job re-entry for part time work.
Talk with your human resource professional about partnering with business training programs to explore entrepreneurship, consulting, new business options for the future.
Develop a phased retirement option where older workers contribute on a part time basis; in essence, its an opportunity to try retirement on for size without making a commitment.
 Diversify work functions so experienced employees can update work manuals, record how to fix outdated equipment, meet with long term customers to determine how their needs have changed, etc.  
Explore opportunities to work from home, work part-time, or do temporary work after retirement.

This is the tip of the iceberg. Determine what would be most beneficial to you and your colleagues as you prepare for your future while also taking care of business.

Note from Joyce:
If you already have experiences related to this question, we’d love to hear them so send us a comment. 

QUESTION:  A reader inquired about returning to work after 18 years away while raising children.  She said, “I’m rather shy and that makes me even more nervous about interviewing with people I don’t know.  How can I get over this feeling and not appear lacking in confidence? I’m not that way with people who know me.”

ANSWER:  Good point and I’m glad you raised the topic.  Feeling shy is often a reason for avoiding certain types of work or working altogether unless the work is at home.  With the uncertain economy we’re experiencing, returning to work may be even more necessary.  Here are a few tips on how to achieve both goals: get back into the workforce and overcome the “shy factor.” 

First of all, understand that you’re not in the “shy boat” alone.  According to the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast, 40% of the U.S. population think they are shy.  As a result, shy people tend to believe others observe and judge every move they make.  They feel if they don’t stand out, fewer people will judge them.  The syndrome gets complicated because, at the same time, they often berate themselves for not being confident and self assured. 

TIPS:

• You are who you are.  Your may always feel nervous but forcing yourself to reach out anyway is the key.  Toastmasters International, the organization that assists people in building comfort with public speaking, says “You may always have butterflies; just make them fly in formation.”  I value that quote and repeating it works in many situations. Here’s one I use occasionally:  “ I’m nervous, and I’m doing it anyway.  Butterflies, do your thing and so will I.”
• Be prepared ahead of time with several points you want someone to know about you .  Then find ways to weave those comments into the conversation.
• Have a few questions prepared that will get the other person talking.  This is true for both job interviews and for more social situations.  In this instance, the best kind of questions are those that can’t be answered Yes or No.  You want to get the other person talking.  This is good because most people like to talk about themselves and you can enjoy the conversation more as the listener.  A couple good examples are questions like “How would you describe what you do daily?” Tell me about a typical day.” Or, “What type of person is successful here?” and “Why do you enjoy the environment so much?”   Often, people in that type of conversation say afterwards, “She’s such a good listener.” Or, “He asks very thoughtful questions.”   
• Sometimes a more subdued, quiet personality is attractive to counter balance the strong personalities both at work and the social scene.  Being quiet and involved can be a very good thing.  That’s when people say, “he’s so interested, he’s interesting.”  

Lady Bird Johnson may have provided some of the best advice on shyness.  “Get so wrapped up in something that you forget to be shy.”  You might also benefit from attending Toastmasters meetings in your area.  Just log on to www.toastmasters.org, select Member sites across the top, choose Find meeting locations in U.S., zip code search,  input your zip code and get an immediate list of locations and times of Toastmasters meetings in your neighborhood.  They’re usually 1 day a week over the lunch hour or after work. Meetings are also listed internationally if you happen to be traveling.  Its affordable, valuable, and the sooner you launch, the better you’ll feel about yourself and your new or enhanced skills. As always, keep us posted on your progress. Just write a comment in the box.  We promise, no speeches necessary!

In Homer’s Odyssey, the king, Odysseus, had a loyal adviser named Mentor, who cared for and educated Telemachus, the king’s son. The word “MENTOR” has lived on to mean wise counsel and trustworthy guidance. Mentors help an individual grow and develop. They see issues from different points of view and offer candor, nonjudgmental, supportive advice. Mentoring programs have become popular within organizations over the years and they’ve changed. The charismatic leaders who were tapped as Mentors are too few, retiring in droves, spread too thin, burned out, or too busy to take on additional mentees.

To meet that need, new forms of mentoring emerged with many payoffs. They make business sense, produce escalated results, create self confidence, increase commitment to teams and organizations, and heighten job satisfaction. Because there have been so many layoffs, restructurings, downsizings, rightsizings, reengineering, etc. people end up far more stressed with increased spans of control and too much on their professional plate. Its only logical that traditional 1 to 1 mentoring needed to change, too.

Here’s a sampling of diverse mentoring relationships that permeate the workplace.
As you scan these mentoring relationships, think about you, what you need to learn, what you can teach and which relationships might work best in your current environment and with you personally.
MENTORING RELATIONSHIPS
One-to-One Mentoring…two learning partners engaged in a mutual learning relationship around topics of interest and concern.
Peer Mentoring…two people in similar jobs work with each other on developing skills and interests where one excels and the other doesn’t.
Generational Mentoring…diverse ages work together to explore and understand differing approaches to similar problems and how they can learn from each other “vs.” drive each other crazy.
Supervisory Mentoring… since these two individuals usually see each other daily, they find “teachable moments” to upgrade skills, take on commitments beyond their current comfort zone, try out needed behaviors such as public speaking, creating an internal website, etc.
Group Mentoring…When there aren’t enough Mentors to go around, one Mentor takes on an entire group. Topics are raised of mutual concern, discussed within the group and individual projects follow up the initial discussion to try it on for size. Debrief and discussion follows.
Distance Mentoring…Telephones and email and morphing into digital, mobile and virtual technologies which bridge the gap that miles create. This is a great way to span cross cultural boundaries and learn new ways of thinking, conversing and working together.
Cross cultural Mentoring…As we become a more diverse and global workforce, this is a wonderful opportunity to become more inclusive and globally sensitive. Set ground rules first as the cultural differences are bound to emerge. Also, make sure you both have similar expectations around what you want to explore and learn.
Multiple Mentoring… You want to explore a number of topics in limited time. Watch people work in or outside of your area. When you find someone who excels in a skill that you want to learn, approach that individual, acknowledge their talent and ASK if they will mentor you on that topic. Tell them that you respect their time and you may only need one or more sessions. Let them know that you’ll take responsibility for your learning and that you’ll contact them as questions emerge.

Many volumes are written about Mentoring in today’s workplace. One of my favorites is Lois Zachary’series Creating A Mentoring Culture and The Mentor’s Guide. They clear, concise and thorough with many examples for your use in specific environments.
Ask yourself three questions as you consider mentoring from both Mentor and Mentee perspectives:
(1) What type of Mentoring could I provide and which skills would I enhance?
(2) What type of Mentoring could I benefit from? (Ex: strong techie, networker, public speaker).
(3) How would I go about finding the “right” Mentor for me in this organization?

“I choose to risk my significance
To live so that which came to me as seed
Goes to the next as blossom
And that which came to me as blossom,
Goes on as fruit.”
-Dawna Markova 2000
From Creating A Mentoring Culture by Lois Zachary

-Joyce

Think of a situation where you know you can bring value or revenue or customers…you just need to be heard. When we make an investment, we expect a return on that investment (ROI). In the same way, this is a conversation where you also want a return; hence, the term ROI discussion. It goes like this:

First, decide whose buy-in you need from this conversation.

Second, consider the dynamics of your relationship with that person and what’s the best way to approach the individual.

Third, when you’re ready to meet, think through these 4 elements beforehand.

1. Describe your idea simply, convincingly, and powerfully emphasizing the 3 points below.

2. WIIFM…WHAT’S IN IT FOR ME to be taken seriously regarding this proposal or idea or job? (Are you seen as key team player, possible promotion when time is right, expand network, build influence skills, etc)

3. WIIFS…WHAT’S IN IT FOR YOUR BOSS to listen or act on the idea? (Think about what’s important on his or her plate these days, how will this idea benefit the boss? How can you help him/her look good or score a win for the dept.? Wear the boss’s shoes for a minute to see what’s important in that world and where this idea may fit in the bigger picture).

4. WIIFO…WHAT’S IN IT FOR THE ORGANIZATION to support this idea? (How will it benefit the enterprise where you work? What will it enable the org. to do better)?

Once you approach your boss from a place of “value I can provide” to help us achieve a certain goal, chances are likely he or she will listen.

Then, discuss the idea and come prepared. Either bring a 1 page bulleted talking sheet or a 1 pg. diagram/picture outlining the idea.
Then, after describing the idea, talk through each point below.
1. WIIFM…Its important for me to spearhead this project because ….
2. WIIFS…Your support is instrumental so together we can …….
3.WIIFO…The organization etc. benefits in these ways….

Practice or discuss alternate ideas with a friend/colleague. You’ll surprise yourself at how convincing you sound. When the time is right, put your positive energy into practice.

“Whatever you do or dream you can do, begin it.
Boldness has genius and power and magic in it.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

A reader asked “What kinds of people age best and how do they do it?” I thought it was a great question so I scanned several recently read books on “positive aging,” surveyed current writers in the field of successful midlife transitions, and reviewed recent speeches on similar topics given at conferences. Here are the results. If questions emerge, send a comment and I’ll gladly provide more detail.

Ingredients For Positive Aging:

People who age best practice these habits regularly:

1. Simplify; de clutter all aspects of your life

2. Connect to what is important now

3. Continue to grow… in your own way

4. Avoid smoking and too much TV; cut back on drugs, alcohol, & snacking

5. Combat age discrimination and forms of ageism, in both how you think and behave

6. Stay optimistic and positive; no matter what

7. Stay physically active; don’t allow yourself to become sedentary /passive

8. Eat until you’re almost full and exercise daily

9. Remain connected to your friends, family and society

10. Think about legacies now and take action to make them real

11. Keep learning new areas of interest all the time

12. Exercise the brain (puzzles, games, cards, computer, reading, socializing, hobbies, etc.)

13. Manage loss with dignity and grace

14. Develop longevity habits early and make them part of your everyday living

15. Tickle your funny bone often; find humor in situations and laugh everyday

Laid off?  Between jobs?  Recently retired?  If you’re looking at what’s next, this is a good place to begin.  Thousands of adults are in the same boat and many without a paddle or a clue.  Everyone needs a place to start.  Asking yourself the right questions is a terrific first step. 

So get comfortable and ponder the questions below.  Your answers will help you create a foundation, perhaps some viable ideas, of what you want in the next chapter of your life.

1. What makes me happy; feel fulfilled?

2. What is important to me now?

3. At this point in life, what are my concerns and dreams?

4. What is worth taking a risk for now?

5. In what ways do I want to contribute in the next couple years? 

6. How can I use my talents that will feel personally satisfying? 

7. What personal factors are important to consider… such as necessary income range, distance to commute, time commitment, etc.

Once you ponder these questions, brainstorm ways to use your talents in new ventures, jobs, or opportunities. Ask a couple good friends; get their input and recommended ideas. If you have questions or run out of options, send a comment and share the key points or themes that you learn about yourself. Together we can brainstorm ways to transfer your talents in the future.  I look forward to hearing from you.