A few years back, the Chronicle’s Peter Hartlaub broke down his best and worst Super Bowl ads decade-by-decade. No better or worse candidates have emerged since then (although you can disagree with us in the comments). Here are the transcendent and the dregs:
THE BEST SUPER BOWL ADS OF ALL TIME
Best of the 1970s: Mean Joe Greene Coke ad (1979-80)
This ad first came out during regular season football games in 1979, and didn’t debut until the 1980 Super Bowl. So I’m basically cheating on two fronts. But I’m hoping you’ll look the other way, because this commercial absolutely oozes the 1970s.
Just typing the words “Mean Joe Greene ‘Coke’ ad” makes me want to burst into tears, embrace my fellow man and pray for a world where we all exchange beverages with strangers for random articles of clothing.
For those who are too young, this advertisement was a huge deal. There were only four real television stations back then, and they all covered this commercial like it was the Cuban Missile Crisis. The Mean Joe Greene Coke ad also spawned the TV movie “The Steeler and the Pittsburgh Kid,” which I’ve been looking for on VHS at garage sales for most of the past two decades.
Runner up: Master Lock “Shot Lock”
.
Best of the 1980s: Apple “1984″ (1984)
For years after the Mean Joe Greene commercial, Super Bowl ads mostly consisted of ex-ballplayers drinking canned beer and making bad one-liners about fishing and Bob Uecker. Then Apple hired “Blade Runner” directer Ridley Scott for this advertisement, which gave children nightmares, made adults want to smash their IBM computers and changed the world of Super Bowl ads.
I remember watching this as a 13-year-old in 1984, and thinking “I wish someone would invent the DVR so I could watch it again and again.” Then I went out and bought a pair of orange Dolfin shorts.
Runner up: Pepsi “Apartment 10G”
.
Best of the 1990s: McDonald’s “The Showdown” (1993)
I’d argue that this decade was the Golden Age for Super Bowl commercials. There were some good ones in the 2000s, too, but by the end of the decade subject matter had been reduced to puppies, guys getting kicked in the crotch and half-naked women eating Doritos in slow motion.
This ad, featuring Michael Jordan and Larry Bird shooting baskets for a Big Mac, edges past some of the better dot-com spots because of Bird’s “No dunking …” line. The “nothing but net” line spread quickly, but it never became annoying like the catchphrases of a certain large beer manufacturer we won’t mention. (“Whazzup!”) This ad also takes us back to a much better time, when the best basketball players were kind of likable.
Runners up: Monster.com: “When I Grow Up” ; Budweiser “Frogs”; Tobasco “Mosquito”
.
Best of the 2000s: Reebok “Terry Tate: Office Linebacker” (2003)
I can’t think of a big screen comedy in the 1990s that made me laugh harder than the one minute Terry Tate: Office Linebacker advertisement for Reebok. The combination of over-the-top violence and good writing (“You know you need a cover sheet on your TPS report, Richard!”) was perfect for the half-drunk short-attention-spanned crowd watching the big game.
I almost put the Budweiser “Respect” ad here, which features Clydesdales bowing in front of the Manhattan skyline in the wake of Sept. 11. That was a risky ad for Budweiser that was perfect for the climate. Definitely a strong runner-up.
Runners up: Budweiser “Respect”; E*Trade “Dancing Monkey”
.
Best of the 2010s: Volkswagen “The Force” (2011)
The 2010s are young, but there have already been several memorable advertisements. (To go with dozens of bad ones. Note to advertisers: Two years in, you’ve already exceeded your decade’s allotment of people getting hit in the groin.)
The Chrysler ad with Eminem last year was pretty great, but it’s hard to beat the little kid dressed as Darth Vader, using The Force to start his dad’s Volkswagen Passat. Expect Volkswagen to have a “Star Wars”-themed follow-up in 2012.
Runners up: Chrysler “Imported from Detroit”; Google “Parisian Love”
WORST SUPER BOWL ADS OF ALL TIME
I’m not sure what’s harder to make: A really great Super Bowl advertisement or a memorably bad one.
Ginger, you’re about to be replaced … (AP photo)
If you gather an excellent ad team together and spare no expense, the chances are decent you’ll end up with a great ad. But a horrible ad of epic proportions is almost always an accident. Someone was striving for greatness when they made the Apple “1984″ Super Bowl commercial. But no one was striving for badness when Apple made “Lemmings,” the disastrous follow-up in 1985.
There were plenty of bad ads to choose from. The 2000s in particular were filled with horrible Super Bowl advertisements, although the 2010s are arguably off to an even worse start. In 2011 alone, there were three commercials that I would feel completely comfortable placing as the worst of the decade.
.
Worst of the 1970s: Namath/Fawcett get creamed for Noxzema (1978)
There have been years where I’ve wanted to put this on my best-of list. Farrah Fawcett + cheesy 1970s porn music is always a good thing, right? But as the commercial continues, it becomes clear that this was done in one take. One very creepy take.
Getting the slogan “Let Noxzema Cream Your Face” on the most-watched television show of the year is an accomplishment of sorts, but the visual I get makes me want to buy a large bottle of Purell, not Nexzema. It doesn’t help that Namath’s offers his awkward “I’m gonna get creamed!” line in his Suzy Kolber/”I want to kiss you” voice.
.
Worst of the 1980s: Apple “Lemmings” (1985)
Apple tried to repeat their monumental success from the “1984″ ad, with a follow-up that’s 50 percent darker and 95 percent less cool.
I don’t have a problem with the implication of the message: “If you don’t buy our product, you will die a horrible lonely death.” We’ve been getting this message from high-fiber cereal makers for years. But I have a serious problem with accompanying that message with a beloved song from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” slowed down to a death march.
I was 14 when this came out. After it was over, I curled into a fetal position and listened to The Cure records for the rest of the weekend. Someone tell me if the 49ers ended up winning the game.
.
Worst of the 1990s: Dirt Devil “Fred Astaire” (1997)
Fred Astaire had been dead for 10 years when Dirt Devil digitally altered his old movies to offer the illusion of the famed hoofer dancing with a vacuum cleaner. It’s great example of the adage “Just because you can dig up Fred Astaire’s corpse and make him sell major applainces, doesn’t mean you should dig up Fred Astaire’s corpse …”
I have no idea who thought this was a good idea, although I vaguely recall having conversations with people who liked the ad. Unlike other horrible commercials that were pulled and never seen, again, Dirt Devil continued to rob Fred Astaire’s grave for most of the year.
.
Worst of the 2000s: Salesgenie “Pandas” (2008)
This was the beginning of an alarming trend, where advertisers, knowing they can’t get positive attention, started intentionally making horrible advertisements just to get on “worst-of” lists. It’s similar to the way your pet dogs craps in your slippers when you bring home a new baby.
With apologies to GoDaddy.com and its endless peddling of Danica Patrick’s flesh, this was the worst of the bunch. These racist pandas are like a banned Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirt come to life.
.
Worst of the 2010s: Groupon “Tibet” (2011)
I’ve watched this advertisement 20 times, I can’t wrap my head around what they were going for. The people of Tibet are suffering … but don’t let that stop you from eating at one of their stateside restaurants?
When I declared this the year’s worst advertisement in 2011, several people said I didn’t get the parody. I didn’t understand half of “The Tree of Life,” but this commercial was pretty straight-forward: Timothy Hutton points out the pain of an entire country’s people, then boasts about getting a discount on fish curry.
PETER HARTLAUB is the pop culture critic at the San Francisco Chronicle and founder/editor of The Big Event. He takes requests. Contact him at phartlaub@sfchronicle.com. Follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/peterhartlaub. Follow The Big Event on Facebook