Connecticut unlikely to survive zombie apocalypse
When it comes to surviving the zombie apocalypse, location is everything.
And, if faced with attacking hordes of brain-hungry corpses, Connecticut would be the zombie equivalent of an all-you-can-eat buffet.
That’s according to Estately, a real estate blog that ranked the Nutmeg State 46th on its totally scientific list of “U.S. States Most And Least Likely To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse.”
The website, which based its finding on “11 metrics that measure fighting ability,” placed Alaska, Wyoming and Colorado at the one, two and three spots, respectively.
Metrics included number of active military personnel, people with guns and people with knowledge of zombies. Estately also factored in the number of laser tag and paint ball enthusiasts — because, you know, lasers and paintballs are really effective ways of killing the undead.
Behind Connecticut at the bottom of the list are Georgia (sorry, ‘Walking Dead’ gang), New York, the District of Columbia, Mississippi and New Jersey.
Here’s Connecticut’s zombie preparedness profile:
Residents of Connecticut should either begin playing laser tag or start seasoning themselves because if the zombie apocalypse started today they’d get eaten up as appetizers.
When one runs in a panicked state, one must know where one is going.
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Remember those beverages for hydration when on the run.
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Gymnast chalk. Gymnasts use this stuff and they go flying through the air and jump around like rabbits. Moving with a gymnast’s skill might save you. Get the chalk.
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Cordage for tying up communists. Because they have been waiting for such an apocalypse to make their move.
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Road flares will be important to attach to any fast person to distract the zombies away from you.
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Multi-tool pocket knife, for whatever these things do.
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Pringles. Zombies cannot detect Pringles.
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Sandals. This was a trick to test you. Anyone wearing sandals, especially men wearing socks and sandals, usually are eaten first.
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First Aid Kit. For that tube of blue stuff only. The rest you can ditch.
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Flashlight and batteries.
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Lots of these.
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Duct tape will save your life In any situation!
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Good sturdy boots.
Bring a bag of chickens. See a zombie, toss a chicken.
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Survival knife and a hatchet. Good on ya, mate.
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Extra pair of undies. Because when you see a zombie, the very next thing you will do is drop a zombie of your own.