There’s a lot of name calling going around lately. A couple of recent news stories have raised some eyebrows about parenting styles. First was the Mom who was so frustrated with her children’s bickering that she pulled over and made them leave the car. She then drove off (around the block), returning in about 10-15 minutes to retrieve them. Unfortunately, she only found the older child who had begun walking home but could not find her younger child. The younger child had become so upset that a kind stranger took her under their wing and called the police. Mom was then charged with child endangerment and had to answer in court (Mom is a lawyer, no less).
This Mom was clearly feeling the stress from her children not obeying her and it was likely a scenario that repeated itself regularly. There’s not a Mom out there who doesn’t commiserate with this feeling of wanting to take some drastic action to stop sibling bickering. Very often it’s over very trivial things like, “Mom, she touched my hair,” or “Mom, make her stop looking at me,” etc. And yes, Mom’s (and Dad’s) everywhere have the legitimate right to feel these frustrations (a Mommy Meltdown). Unfortunately, in the parenting job description, the frustration demands must be managed within the confines of safety (the risk/reward ratio). Parents are human beings, too and are allowed to get angry – the job of parenting is the most challenging job around. It’s a job where anger and frustration can reach the highest of heights, yet it’s also a job that demands restraint and strong emotional control. These contradictory states bring about the meltdowns. In this instance, Mom’s better choice would have been to pull the car over and she, herself get out – staying within eyesight of the car – and doing her own ‘time-out’ until she could manage the rest of the drive home. Having dealt with child abuse cases, it’s horrible to see how easy it is for young children to be harmed in very short periods of time and sometimes unintentionally. It’s a parent’s duty to protect first, discipline second. If a predator had been lurking there and done something to that child, Mom would today be having bigger regrets.
Another Mom story has also raised parenting criticism. A Mom in NYC allowed her eight-year-old son to ride the subway by himself, something he requested to do. Mom gave her son a map of the subway system, taught him how to read it, enough money to pay for his rides, and a cell phone and sent him on his way. She has been criticized for also leaving her child vulnerable to the elements (as with Mom #1). Granted, the NYC subway system drums up images of horror and danger but the truth is, millions of people (including children) navigate it every day. Mom most likely put limitations on where and how far the child should go and a time limit on when he needed to return. In this instance, a child was being taught independence – another duty of parents. I grew up in Staten Island and remember the first time my mother allowed me (around the age of 12) to take three busses from our home to downtown Brooklyn (Fulton Street) to shop at our favorite store, A&S. I’m sure my mother had her heart in her throat the entire time I was gone but that lesson in independence taught me that 1) my mother trusted my judgment and 2) I was capable of being independent. These lessons probably supported me as an adult when I found myself widowed young and had to start doing things completely independently, or even as a teen when I was offered drugs and options to do things that weren’t positive. I had the ability to stand strong and say, “Not for me.”
So what’s your opinion? Want to share your meltdown moments – and more importantly, how you think you may have handled them differently? And how have you taught your children independence? Come on – share. We learn best from each other.
