I was having coffee recently with someone who casually referred to a friend as a “N.” This was a business association, not a personal one, so I am comfortable that my exposure to this kind of disrespect won’t be frequent. But of course, I was still offended and stated this but of course was told how this was no big deal. I was told (as I have been told before) that among minorities, calling each other this word is not just acceptable but it carries some degree of affection. I am white, so I cannot say that I have ever had that assault thrown at me at any point in my life. I can only recall a few circumstances where I have been witness to its use and it deeply affected me because the memory of it still bothers me.
I remember the beginning of the 5th grade year where, as the new fifth graders, we were now the ‘Juniors’ of the school which meant that we ‘elders’ could be monitors for the younger grades. I was naturally excited about this because it was the first time in my young life that I actually felt I was going to be ‘in charge.’ Two fifth graders were always assigned together and my friend, Daphne had signed on together. Well, unluckily for us, we were given 4th graders!! One grade behind can be a BIG challenge – and it was. Our very first day was naturally disorderly and as we tried to ‘herd the cats’ we were each trying to manage one end of the line – I was in front and Daphne was in the rear. I suddenly heard a commotion in the back and went back there to see what was happening and just as I arrived, a tall 4th grader was yelling at Daphne and called her the N word. Up to that point in my life, I had never heard it used. And I’ll never forget the pained look in my friend’s face and the tears that immediately welled up in her eyes. I’ll never forget how she ran off so deeply hurt, refusing to do any monitoring for the rest of the year. I turned to the 4th grader and glared at him and could only say, “Now see what you’ve done,” as if that would have made an impact on him. It was apparent the word was something familiar to him. He was only nine years old, yet throwing verbal assaults like an adult. I don’t remember the repercussions to the bully but I do remember the impact to my friend and have always been appalled when I still hear people use that. And I’m just as disgusted when I hear people use it as a part of their regular terms of endearment for each other. I hear people of color declaring that it’s just a word they use for each other but I find it very confusing that a term with so much history of disrespect and dishonor can somehow be rehabilitated to the point of normal usage. Clearly the history cannot be erased, thereby leaving it open to be used in the ugly connotation regularly. And as it gets used in front of children, they are new users who are without social boundaries, so their usage will likely be hurtful at some point. NOT because they are bad children but because their social compasses are still under construction and they will experiment with their new language, as well as their new social relationships.
Maybe I have less right to be offended by the use of this word because I’ve never been victimized by it. But I do have friends that I love who have been victimized by it and I don’t like the pains they feel, or even the shield they’ve created so that they can be immune to the vitriol. It’s just another factor contributing to the world’s negativity. Getting rid of it doesn’t cost anything (therefore, the federal deficit wouldn’t be affected), and it would certainly reduce hostilities around. I know, I know…………… I can dream can’t I?
How do you teach your children about respect, racism and acceptable language?
Have a GREAT week!! Something wonderful will happen this week!!!
Gabby
