Parenting

When are we going to get it?  Once again a horrific and deadly assault has occurred.  And once again, there are suggestions that the shooter had been on the receiving end of bullying and discriminatory behavior.  Now before anyone gets themselves all into a frenzy screaming, “That’s no excuse,” let me state emphatically, that I agree.  Being picked on is not an excuse for murder.  But what is clear in the majority of these instances, is the personal distress that became so overwhelming and distorted in the shooters mind, had at its roots in the unfeeling, mean-spirited and lack of compassion of others.  When will our society finally get to a point of disagreeing with each other on our views and ideas but learn to leave out what is personal, i.e. our cultures, our weight, our gender, our color, our accents, our disabilities………..shall I go on?  The fact that people think they can say anything and end their statements with, “I was only joking,” as an excuse for disrespect and inhumane behaviors is ignorant and as far from all religious teachings as is possible.  Anyone who goes to their religious services and then steps out into the world with disrespect on their tongues is a hypocrite.  Anyone who assaults (and yes – it is an assault) others with words of dismissiveness, disrespect, and vulgarity doesn’t deserve the right to sit in a religious institution.  Those are the folks who should be excommunicated for not living the philosophy of kindness that is preached in all religious doctrine.  Instead, people stand by while others tell jokes, or say off-hand remarks in the belief that just because they think no-one is within earshot, it’s not hurting anyone. 

People do not know what everyone’s heritage is (or what might be their sensitivities) – therefore, you don’t know who you may be insulting.  People who are the butt of this type of language (and actions) often don’t speak up for the inevitable retort of, “What’s the matter, you can’t take a joke?”  Then the person becomes more ostracized because they are not willing to allow themselves to be the fodder for other’s amusement.  A lose-lose situation for them.  Our entertainment has become more and more tolerant of bad behavior and because we are in such an overloaded media world, this tolerance is broadcast regularly.  The ignorant feel validated and the young learn it is a way of life. 

Until our society starts to 1) become intolerant of ANYONE (relatives and loved ones included) being disrespectful, 2) speak up to the bullies and state clearly they will not be a party to injustice, and 3) put themselves in the shoes of those who are being disenfranchised – then we will be destined to continue to have these circumstances.  As those of us in early childhood teach:  1 – Use your listening ears folks – don’t ignore the negatives; 2 – Words are not for hurting and hands are not for hitting; 3 – Respect EVERYONE – and 4) Don’t believe for a minute that people who are bullies are “just joking.”  The bullies are venting their angers, too.  Help them vent them more productively and to exorcise them!!

My condolences to all the families who lost their loved ones.  They were ready to put themselves in harms way to protect our country and then – where they were supposed to be safe – were attacked by one of their own.  Such a horror.  Lives changed forever.  And once again, our children are left to learn another lesson in hatred.  I wonder who will be the next one to explode. 

Did you know that a child’s brain is making its connections that will aid in lifetime learning from the moment they are born?  These connections are made via experience.  Every piece of sensory information provided to an infant from the moment it’s placed in his/her mother’s arms, make neural connections.  Every smell (Mommy, Daddy, etc), every sound (the voices/tones used nearby), every sight (lights, scenes, interactions), every taste (when hunger is met and poisons hidden), and every touch (styles when picked up, changed, soothed, fed, etc) make connections. 

I premise what I’m about to say with these developmental facts because I’m sure I’m going to get blasted for ‘not understanding.’  I watched a Daddy drop off his infant son in preschool today.  As luck would have it, I happened to be driving right behind this family and we were going to the same location.  I watched in annoyance (unknown to me that there was an infant in the car) as this driver was chatting away on his phone – HELD TO HIS EAR – as we drove the final block to our destination.  We pulled in simultaneously but he had to get his child from the car, so I entered the building first.  As I stood in the office, this father came in with his child. He held his phone to his chest with his free hand and said hello to the staff.  I watched the baby.  He seemed oblivious to the people, and to his Dad, as well.  There was no greeting for him and there was no inclusion of him in Dad’s greeting to the staff.  The baby was just peripheral baggage; the diaper bag hung from one shoulder, the phone was held in one hand, and the child was propped on the other shoulder.  Dad finished his greeting and headed to the classroom.  I watched as Dad reached the classroom door.  He stayed in the hall because he was once again engrossed in his phone conversation.   He paced outside the room for a bit, of course ignoring his child and had his conversation.  When he finally hung up, it was because he ‘had to drop off’ his son but of course he promised to call the individual back momentarily.   The drop-off was rather quick – certainly no gushy goodbyes and only one or two sentences to the teachers about his son’s current needs (just was changed, brought peas and peaches for lunch and will be picked up by 5pm).  The ‘peripheral’ was plugged in! 

A child’s brain suffers damage from neglect and neglect is not merely missing meals or inappropriate supervision.  Neglect can simply be under-stimulation.  Unfortunately, child abuse prevention efforts must be focused on the life-threatening and blatant neglect (educational and medical neglect) and the generalized emotional neglect is not of significant focus.   Until ALL people who come in contact with babies and children realize that their words, tones, gestures, and overall ATTENTION are part of an infant’s brain development (and children’s emotional well-being), then we are going to continue having children grow up with emotional problems.  Their attachments are not secure, their trust of the world isn’t strong, and their resilience factors are shaky.  When I was in school, the children in Special Ed were mostly children with clear mental disturbances such as Down Syndrome but today Special Ed is overwhelmed  with the young with serious emotional problems.  Please, please, please….. on behalf of all the children – please pay attention!!!!  They are all screaming, “Look into my eyes, pretend my face can speak to you.  Read my feelings and react to them, touch me a lot and tell me what YOU feel about things!!!”   Yes, all the parents out there love their children – but DAMN – you really all don’t pay real attention to them.   And for those of you who do – this is not meant for you and you know it.  In fact, you know the folks out there who are misunderstanding the importance of their essence in their child’s life.  Please point it out to them – as kindly as you can – but do point it out.  The children need all the advocates they can get!!!!

All the children want is YOUR ATTENTION!!!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent.  And for all the attending parents – please let me know all the creative ways you squeeze attention into your very busy lives – so other parents can see it’s possible!!

Thanks for letting me vent.  

Gabby

I was having coffee recently with someone who casually referred to a friend as a “N.” This was a business association, not a personal one, so I am comfortable that my exposure to this kind of disrespect won’t be frequent.  But of course, I was still offended and stated this but of course was told how this was no big deal.  I was told (as I have been told before) that among minorities, calling each other this word is not just acceptable but it carries some degree of affection.  I am white, so I cannot say that I have ever had that assault thrown at me at any point in my life.  I can only recall a few circumstances where I have been witness to its use and it deeply affected me because the memory of it still bothers me.

I remember the beginning of the 5^th grade year where, as the new fifth graders, we were now the ‘Juniors’ of the school which meant that we ‘elders’ could be monitors for the younger grades.  I was naturally excited about this because it was the first time in my young life that I actually felt I was going to be ‘in charge.’  Two fifth graders were always assigned together and my friend, Daphne had signed on together.  Well, unluckily for us, we were given 4^th graders!!  One grade behind can be a BIG challenge – and it was.  Our very first day was naturally disorderly and as we tried to ‘herd the cats’ we were each trying to manage one end of the line – I was in front and Daphne was in the rear.  I suddenly heard a commotion in the back and went back there to see what was happening and just as I arrived, a tall 4^th grader was yelling at Daphne and called her the N word.  Up to that point in my life, I had never heard it used.  And I’ll never forget the pained look in my friend’s face and the tears that immediately welled up in her eyes.  I’ll never forget how she ran off so deeply hurt, refusing to do any monitoring for the rest of the year.  I turned to the 4^th grader and glared at him and could only say, “Now see what you’ve done,” as if that would have made an impact on him.  It was apparent the word was something familiar to him.  He was only nine years old, yet throwing verbal assaults like an adult.  I don’t remember the repercussions to the bully but I do remember the impact to my friend and have always been appalled when I still hear people use that.  And I’m just as disgusted when I hear people use it as a part of their regular terms of endearment for each other.   I hear people of color declaring that it’s just a word they use for each other but I find it very confusing that a term with so much history of disrespect and dishonor can somehow be rehabilitated to the point of normal usage.  Clearly the history cannot be erased, thereby leaving it open to be used in the ugly connotation regularly.  And as it gets used in front of children, they are new users who are without social boundaries, so their usage will likely be hurtful at some point.  NOT because they are bad children but because their social compasses are still under construction and they will experiment with their new language, as well as their new social relationships.   

Maybe I have less right to be offended by the use of this word because I’ve never been victimized by it.  But I do have friends that I love who have been victimized by it and I don’t like the pains they feel, or even the shield they’ve created so that they can be immune to the vitriol.  It’s just another factor contributing to the world’s negativity.  Getting rid of it doesn’t cost anything (therefore, the federal deficit wouldn’t be affected), and it would certainly reduce hostilities around.  I know, I know…………… I can dream can’t I?

How do you teach your children about respect, racism and acceptable language?

Have a GREAT week!!  Something wonderful will happen this week!!!  

Gabby

Ok, where are you guys?  I know you’re out there.  You’ve been quite silent and I’m wondering how to engage your thought processes?  Should I talk dirty?  Ok – if that’s what it takes, I will.  Let’s talk about sex because, after all, that topic seems to always be confronting us wherever we go, no?  Sex sells, so then surely we should be able to talk about it.  And we should especially be conscious of talking about it to children – to prepare them for the bombardment they are already experiencing and will continue to experience.  How do you talk to your kids about sex? 

For those of you who have already confronted the issue, how’d ya do it?  Did your child back you into a corner and ask some VERY interesting questions – and you just had to give in and give some accurate information?  Did you bring it up one day during an opportune moment and ask your child what they knew about something?  Did you act very matter of factly – even though you were dying inside?  Did you and your child stumble across something (a tv dialogue, a headline, a statement made in school) and they asked you to clarify?  All are interesting scenarios. 

This is a very discomforting topic for so many parents.  The first discomfort that tugs at parents’ hearts is that this discussion is an indication of a child’s growing up.  It’s a grown-up topic, therefore a reminder that a child does grow into their own independent adulthood.  The second discomfort comes from the belief that at young ages, certain ‘adult topic’ information is not necessary for children.  This is absolutely correct – BUT – every age needs to be given ever-expanding amounts of information about their body’s functioning and expected changes.  This information needs to be provided in very matter-of-fact ways – a penis is a penis, a breast is a breast, and a vagina is a vagina – and everybody’s body changes as they grow up.  Language used and amounts of information are weighted against a child’s age and maturity but the conversations must be held.  This accuracy serves more than one aspect of a child’s life.  An informed child is a protected child.  When a child knows about body parts and their right to personal privacy, they are more likely to know how to resist a potential assault and if in case they are victimized, they will be more likely to tell someone about it.

And a third discomfort comes from the fact that while “the” talk might be relatively simple early on – the older the child gets the more complicated it gets.  As a child ages, their body is changing, BUT more importantly, they are now needing to make decisions about how they will treat their body.  Their hygiene and their use of their body will now start to affect their growth and social relationships.  The conversations are becoming more focused on morality and decisions than on the physiological changes.  Then it’s time where the ‘shoulds and should-nots’ are thought about but you need to explain them in ways that are not sounding too judgmental and prudish!!  Each generation starts to change boundaries and parents need to know how to push back – or accept the changes.

So tell us about your sex talks!!!  I know you’re out there – and now I’ve talked to you about sex.  Share your wisdom with all of us. 

G

How do you teach your children about race, ethnicity, gender differences ….. diversity overall?  The children are listening and learning right now.  They are listening to their parent’s discussions, their teacher’s discussions, the news as they pass through rooms in their environments.  I do hope that every adult, i.e. parents, teachers, caregivers, etc is opening the door for conversations and these ‘teachable moments,’ that are being offered this week.  Yes, every circumstance that comes to our awareness provides us with opportunities to learn from and teach with.  We are currently discussing race relations in connection to the varied perspectives of millions of people – who were not present at an encounter between two professionals.  We are all weighing in on the ‘should haves,’ ‘could haves,’ ‘would haves,’ of the circumstances that transpired.   Since cops hold a special, personal place in my heart, I found myself weighing in at first by saying that when a cop asks for ID, you produce it without an attitude.  I still stand by that but I also add the fact that the more I hear about the start of this saga it’s clear that two men have very different and legitimate viewpoints about one encounter.  They both have seemingly valid points and one of the talking-heads just said that they can both be right!!  What??!!  Aha – that’s President Obama’s ‘teachable moment!!’  We need to point out to our children that people of color are sometimes treated with disrespect and unfairness by ignorant people who think color is indicative of some kind of personality trait and therefore are quite sensitive when authority question their legitimate rights (being in their own home); and we need to point out that sometimes people of authority have a job to do and need to be respected for their relatively reasonable requests (yes, asking for ID and checking the validity of ID on a called in burglary report [in this day and age of Home Invasions] is a reasonable request) even when we feel put-upon.   And in having this discussion with our children, we need to convey the message that they need to carry themselves with the compassion and respect to help combat the occurrences of these misunderstood circumstances.  If individuals overstep their rights or power, through a perceived ‘superiority’ carried from employment, age, affiliation – OR through a perceived ‘superiority’ based on a “I can make you do it,” attitude, then both those individuals need to do some soul-searching AND both individuals have to spend some solid time re-prioritizing.

Anyway – just thought it something that might be challenging parents out there.  Fill us in – how are you handling it?

And PS – Yes, President Obama DOES need to host a beer session – he should NEVER have said the cops acted ‘stupidly.’  Even though I don’t think I’d blindly follow an order, I WAS taught that you respect authority – teachers, cops, etc and if you don’t – you better have a damn good reason!!!  And “I didn’t wanna,”  WASN’T a good reason!!!!  Am I showing my age?  Uh, oh!

A  Barbara Streisand song says it all:                Children Will Listen

Such a sad time period we are experiencing with the loss of so many talented individuals – Farah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, and Michael Jackson.  Regardless of whether Michael Jackson’s music was a favorite or not, he was clearly a talented individual who had many inner demons tormenting his adulthood.  He was a man who felt so deprived of his childhood that he built a home environment filled with every pleasure a child would/could seek.  He also spent large amounts of time surrounded by children.   His deep desire to be with children even brought him the suspicions of being a child molester.  He certainly had the typical pedophile’s tools of seduction and seemed to disregard the advice of friends who tried to redirect his intense child-focused activities. A jury eventually found him not guilty when he was officially charged but suspicions remained.   

Regardless of whether he was guilty or not of the accusations, it is crystal clear that his childhood had a huge negative impact on his adult lifestyle.  He self-destructed like so many other talented individuals who appear to have had troubling backgrounds.  During more than one interview he described how his father would train his children – with a belt in his hand.  Michael said that he was lucky because he, “… was fast, and could out-run him but God help us when he caught us.”   I always pray that parents and caregivers take seriously the lessons of parenthood when another well-known individual shows the ramifications of a troubled upbringing.  While we all want to protect children from the seamier side of life, these circumstances can often serve as opportunities to learn about the impact of parenting styles and the repercussions to children’s adulthoods of parent/child interactions.   Beating children into submission, depriving children of the freedom to be children, and making comments on a child’s appearance are all sure ways to raise a conflicted, insecure, and self-destructive adult.  Not everyone will go to the extremes that Michael Jackson did – but surely if we look around at society, how many individuals do you know who appear to have self-inflicted problems in life?  Some choose substance abuse, some choose unhealthy eating habits, others may choose negative personal relationships, maybe some choose work that makes them miserable but relish the misery – the choices can be in any area of life.   My only thought today is a request.  To all parents and caregivers:  Think seriously about your interactions with children – don’t belittle, don’t ignore, don’t hit – BUT DO INCLUDE, DO VALUE, DO HUG, DO SHOW INTEREST.  Someday you’ll be proud of the adult you have contributed to society – they are your legacy.

If you open it, close it.

If you turn it on, turn it off.

If you unlock it, lock it.

If you break it, repair it.

If you can’t fix it, call someone who can (and pay them).

If you borrow it, return it (in the same condition).

If you use it, take care of it.

If you make a mess, clean it up.

If you move it, put it back.

If it belongs to somebody else and you want to use it, get PERMISSION!!!

If you don’t know how to operate it, leave it alone, or ask for HELP!!!

If it doesn’t concern you, don’t MESS with it.

If you were wrong, APOLOGIZE!!!

If someone is hurting, give comfort.

If you have extra, offer it.

If you make a promise, keep it.

Make “Please,” “Thank you,” and “Excuse me,” your calling cards!!

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Something I keep posted on my refrigerator.  A useful tool to teach children, especially when the rules are modeled by their parents.

Teaching children conceptual ideals is very challenging.  Learning these early in life are critical to a person developing into a trustworthy adult but children are so concrete in their thinking (see it, hear it, touch it) that teaching something that applies across circumstances is challenging.  As with most of these ideals, the most effective way to do this is through example.  A parent who says ‘please,’ ‘thank you,’ and ‘I’m sorry,’ to their children will definitely receive the same FROM them.  A parent, who lies to their children and to others, will receive lies.   And lying comes in many forms that parents may not realize carry the impact on their children’s sense of right and wrong.  Letting a child hear a parent lie on the phone about why they cannot participate in an event is setting an example; a child hearing a parent lie to their mate about their spending is setting an example (even worse, engaging a child in the deception is incorrigible); a child finding out that a parent has been unfaithful is setting an example; a child hearing a parent discuss how they padded their expense account, insurance claim, or tax write-offs is setting an example; a parent who tells a child to lie to their teacher about why they were late or absent is setting an example. 

Uh, oh – I hear all the parents out there saying ‘phooey.’  That it’s no big deal to ‘bend the truth once in awhile’ and as one parent said to me once, “That means I always have to be ‘on.’”  Yup!  That’s the job signed on for.  That’s not to say that mistakes aren’t made (that’s where the “I’m sorry,” comes in handy) but when parents live their lives dishonestly, their children will learn the same philosophy.  Yes, yes, I’ve heard it before – ‘everybody does it – and why shouldn’t I get mine?’  Take a look at the current economic situation – anybody think there’s a lesson from how all the deceptive practices have rippled out to the innocent?  People pad their insurance claims because ‘it’s only an insurance company’ – guess whose premiums fill the buckets to pay those claims?  People pad Medicare bills because ‘it’s only the government,’ – guess whose taxes pay those dishonest dollars?  I’d like to think that we have more honest people in the world than dishonest but I wonder why all the dishonest ones continue to get away with their deeds.  Why aren’t the honest people more appalled and outspoken about the dishonesty?  We know its happening because the thieves love to brag, or more simply – it’s always evident when someone is playing foot-loose-and-fancy-free.   

Where’d all this come from?  $5.00!  I recently had a Tag Sale and a gentleman (and I use that term loosely) who clearly had a few bucks showed up at the end of the sale and gathered up many items for which I quoted a price of $25.00 (actually $30.00 but came down).  He got friendly with me and my uncle and was chatting us up for quite some time and continued to try and bring down the price.  I stuck to my price and he said that since he had just come from running, he only had $20.00 on him.  I finally said to him that since he appeared to be an honorable person, I’d be willing to take the $20.00 and trust he would drop the $5.00 off at a later time.  It’s been over two weeks.  He hasn’t been back.  It was clear $5.00 wasn’t an issue – he said that he was a still employed financial adviser so I do believe he’s not hurting as much as others.  I’m unemployed and told him so.  Yes, it’s only $5.00 and no, it won’t break me – but what it does break is the chain of trust.  He talked about his children and I’ll bet he’s had a moment or two of glee with his wife or friends where he was able to talk about the ‘fool who thought he was coming back.’  He set an example to his children.  Another individual stole one of the lighters I had on the table.  He also set an example for his children.  Yet when children lie or cheat, they get punished.  They are only mirroring back what they have been exposed to – be careful of what you’re reflecting.