Parenting

We underestimate the power of language so very much.  We call each other names, we use harsh tones and we even use silence as a weapon.   Verbal assaults are as dangerous as physical ones, and in fact, last a lot longer than the physical injuries.  Black and blues will heal – how many people can still remember a time when their parent or someone significant in their life threw some nasty, mean-spirited verbiage at them even if it was a very long time ago?  I’ve been so very upset over the recent spate of young children committing suicide because of the mean-spirited words said to them.  Two eleven year olds hung themselves (in two different states only days apart) because of the bullying they were receiving in school.  Both, in fact were upset about being assaulted by being called ‘gay.’  The sad part is that these children (both the bullies and the victims) probably didn’t understand the full definition of that term, yet they did know it was hateful.  How did they learn that?  Another situation is the case of the 13-year-old girl who hung herself after a friend’s MOTHER pretended to first flirt with her and then denigrated her, on-line.  This woman told the child, “The world would be better off without you.” 

How did we reach this state of being so hateful to each other?  More importantly, how did we reach the point of showing such low empathy for each other?  Research shows we are born empathetic creatures.  Studies show that babies will cry when another baby cries, sharing their distress.  In fact, researchers have made sure this was empathy by playing recordings of a baby’s own cries to themselves, and found that the response is NOT to cry because they recognize it as themselves and empathy is not needed.   So, where does the empathy disappear to if it’s innate?  A recent CNN article describes research that emphasizes how important it is for parents to have regular conversations with their children with a focus on the feelings of others.  Read it and share your thoughts:  http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/05/15/mother.children.social.skills/index.html

And before the responses start whining about ‘making our kids wimps,’ perhaps the thoughts should first look at the damages and anger that is making this world so difficult to navigate.  How often do you get a smile and good cheer from people in public?  How often do you have someone offer to pick up something for you that you dropped?  How often do drivers hold back and let you get in lane ahead of them?  How often do people forgive an error in judgment when you are the one who erred?  When was the last time someone said bless you in public when you sneezed?  When was the last time that you heard your child offer another something of his – without being ordered to do so? 

I’m not saying that there are no circumstances of personal generosity – there are some wonderful stories out there.   I recently heard about a school basketball team forfeiting a game because an opposing team player had lost his mother and he needed to be at her funeral.   There are children out there who are using their own monies to help others.  But unfortunately, we have too many of the opposite stories.   I would like to challenge this world to spread the joy.  Speak with kindness, exhibit empathy, have sympathy, be less judgmental, be patient, be courteous, be understanding and most of all  -  be forgiving.   

And if your child’s school is a hostile environment, suggest to the school administrators to go this website:  http://www.challengeday.org/

It’s a wonderful program that will help reduce those hostilities and perhaps bring peace to the environment.   I know, I know, my ‘60’s self is showing but I’m so worried about the future our children are facing. 

LPH (Love, Peace, Happiness) to you all!

Gabby

There’s a lot of name calling going around lately.  A couple of recent news stories have raised some eyebrows about parenting styles.  First was the Mom who was so frustrated with her children’s bickering that she pulled over and made them leave the car.  She then drove off (around the block), returning in about 10-15 minutes to retrieve them.  Unfortunately, she only found the older child who had begun walking home but could not find her younger child.  The younger child had become so upset that a kind stranger took her under their wing and called the police.  Mom was then charged with child endangerment and had to answer in court (Mom is a lawyer, no less). 

This Mom was clearly feeling the stress from her children not obeying her and it was likely a scenario that repeated itself regularly.  There’s not a Mom out there who doesn’t commiserate with this feeling of wanting to take some drastic action to stop sibling bickering.  Very often it’s over very trivial things like, “Mom, she touched my hair,” or “Mom, make her stop looking at me,” etc.  And yes, Mom’s (and Dad’s) everywhere have the legitimate right to feel these frustrations (a Mommy Meltdown).  Unfortunately, in the parenting job description, the frustration demands must be managed within the confines of safety (the risk/reward ratio).   Parents are human beings, too and are allowed to get angry – the job of parenting is the most challenging job around.  It’s a job where anger and frustration can reach the highest of heights, yet it’s also a job that demands restraint and strong emotional control.  These contradictory states bring about the meltdowns.  In this instance, Mom’s better choice would have been to pull the car over and she, herself get out – staying within eyesight of the car – and doing her own ‘time-out’ until she could manage the rest of the drive home.  Having dealt with child abuse cases, it’s horrible to see how easy it is for young children to be harmed in very short periods of time and sometimes unintentionally.  It’s a parent’s duty to protect first, discipline second.  If a predator had been lurking there and done something to that child, Mom would today be having bigger regrets. 

Another Mom story has also raised parenting criticism.  A Mom in NYC allowed her eight-year-old son to ride the subway by himself, something he requested to do.  Mom gave her son a map of the subway system, taught him how to read it, enough money to pay for his rides, and a cell phone and sent him on his way.  She has been criticized for also leaving her child vulnerable to the elements (as with Mom #1).  Granted, the NYC subway system drums up images of horror and danger but the truth is, millions of people (including children) navigate it every day.  Mom most likely put limitations on where and how far the child should go and a time limit on when he needed to return.  In this instance, a child was being taught independence – another duty of parents.  I grew up in Staten Island and remember the first time my mother allowed me (around the age of 12) to take three busses from our home to downtown Brooklyn (Fulton Street) to shop at our favorite store, A&S.  I’m sure my mother had her heart in her throat the entire time I was gone but that lesson in independence taught me that 1) my mother trusted my judgment and 2) I was capable of being independent.  These lessons probably supported me as an adult when I found myself widowed young and had to start doing things completely independently, or even as a teen when I was offered drugs and options to do things that weren’t positive.  I had the ability to stand strong and say, “Not for me.” 

So what’s your opinion?  Want to share your meltdown moments – and more importantly, how you think you may have handled them differently?  And how have you taught your children independence?  Come on – share.  We learn best from each other.

Hello All.  I’m very excited about meeting you all for the first time and having this opportunity to talk about children – my very favorite topic.  I think we’ll have a great time bouncing ideas and concerns off each other.   Of course, the list of reasons why children are so interesting goes on and on but one of my favorites is how much they add humor to this world.  One of my very favorite stories is about a little four-year old who was waiting patiently in a supermarket checkout line with his Mom.  There was a rather large nurse in front of them with a beeper on her waist.  As the child and his Mom moved up, the beeper went off.  Very quickly, the child turned to Mom, put his little hands up as if to push her back and said very loudly, “Watch out Mom, the big lady’s gonna back up!”

Such a brilliant child!!  He was of course, showing his concern for his Mom and applying his ‘vast’ knowledge of how the world operates (all big vehicles have a beeping back-up signal) to the current situation.  Of course, Mom’s intense embarrassment wasn’t a part of his understanding yet and Mom was just praying that the nurse was a pediatric nurse so she would understand this innocent social faux-pas.  I thought this a good way to open our dialogue this Mother’s Day week by acknowledging all you wonderful Mom’s out there with a reminder about all the embarrassing moments you’ve endured during your tenure as Super Moms!!!  Come on – share with us – how did your cherubs embarrass you?  Happy Mother’s Day!

Welcome to Connecticut News. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!