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NBA News Five Years From Now

Summer doldrums continue. NBA news is in such a drought, that it is being rationed in some parts of the country. Lists of top tens are running rampant everywhere. Stories of retired NBA players are popping up like two old friends reminiscing on the porch steps.

So, Celtics Central will change gears and take a peek into the future with…..

Five Years From Now…….Week-end Update:

World War III is Over – The world is now divided into color coded sections. Anarchists aren’t sure
which zone is theirs, prompting them to demonstrate…again.

(Question…How do anarchists make any decisions? Do they just coincidentally show up at world events?)

And now…..on to more important basketball news….


Now 28, Ramon Sessions remains a priority for the Knicks. “We like him even more now that he is seasoned.”


Celtics think they are finally close to finding a sign and trade partner for Marquis Daniels, now 33.  While Daniels now says, ‘Just use part of the MLE.” Danny says the Celtics might be losing interest altogether. Some feel that is just ‘Danny being Danny’.


This just in …Quentin Richardson was not traded today.

This makes the 7th day in a row Quentin was not traded. League officials are looking into the problem.


Following the success of the Celtics weight incentive clause for Glen ‘Big Baby’ Davis, the Knicks add a height incentive clause to Nate Robinson’s contract.

If Nate can add three inches of height and hold it, he gets an additional $500,000. The incentive kicks in each season he maintains that height. Obviously, any lapse in height and the bonus is voided for that season.


There is no truth to the rumors that Marcin Gortat has been caught spiking Dwight Howard’s drinks with valium.

Now in the fifth year of his contract and averaging just 11 minutes per game, Marcin plans to test free agency next year, saying, ‘I want a chance to start…before my bald head turns grey.’


The Orlando Magic finally signed playmaker CJ Watson at age 28, giving them just 19 signed players going into camp this season – a four year low. They don’t really always have that many players. It just seems that way.


After yet another Finals collapse, Cleveland swears ‘absolutely-dootly’ that they are going to get Lebron a true all star running mate next season.


After returning to the Atlanta Hawks for three seasons and playing .500 ball only once after losing Joe Johnson to free agency, Josh Childress once again goes overseas when they low ball him on a new contract.

This time Josh will go to China to play on Yao Ming’s new ‘NBA China’ team in the new eight team league.


As a practical joke, Tyrus Thomas and Josh Smith secretly switched teams. The joke and switch are finally discovered two months and 25 games later by an alert assistant coach.


Now that Kevin Garnett and Rasheed Wallace have retired, leaving just Kendrick Perkins as a Celtic, the league will eliminate the recently revised ‘3 technical fouls and you’re out’ rule. They will return to the previous 2 tech ejection rule.


Head Coach Tom Thibodeau’s Phoenix Suns finishes their second year as the top defensive team in the league.

And last, but not least….

Commissioner David Stern says that they will take up:
a) flopping – 6th consecutive year it will be discussed
b) moving the foul line in
c) the possibility of experimenting with a 4 point line
d) Breaking up the final 10 seconds of each quarter into thousandths of a second, thus extending the length of games another 30 minutes – minimum.

That’s our peek into the future of our cherished league.

I’m an NBA fan and so can you.

(apologies to Stephen Colbert)

Hope you’re having a great summer.

Thomas Halzack

2 Responses

  1. halzack says:

    Thanks Mike.

  2. MikeMartin says:

    Good stuff Tom