Midlife Mom

Navigating the teen years… and beyond

Archive for August, 2010

Boys vs. girls

Friday, August 27, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

Boys are easier to raise than girls. That’s my blanket statement as a mom to three, two of them boys.

K is our only girl and also the baby in the family. As such, I’m sure she’s benefited from a more relaxed parenting style that comes after you’ve been through it once or twice. Her brothers say she’s spoiled. She might be in regard to some things, although in comparison to other girls I’ve seen her age, not so much.

But with girls comes drama. And although there were times I distinctly remember the boys being upset because of a rift with one friend or another, there was never the angst, stress, tears, door-slamming and everything that seems to come with girls and their issues. Everything is a big deal and even the smallest inconveniences or misunderstandings are blown way out of proportion. It’s exhausting, really, for others in the house.

And when the problems come pouring out, my solutions are never appropriate and will never work! I have to stop and remind myself that even though I’d like to believe she actually wants my help/advice, her sharing any concern or worry with me is not usually about me helping her solve anything — it’s about her need to vent.

And with three more years to go to get through high school, I know there are many more challenges that await us as parents of a teenage daughter!

Back to college

Wednesday, August 25, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

Sometimes I feel like our front door is revolving.

After a summer at home, our middle child has returned to college, where he is proud to be a sophomore and back in his element. He’s surrounded by others his own age, good friends he’s made and, most important, his girlfriend. G was patient and understanding of his mother’s need to linger just a bit after helping him move into his new dorm. But his demeanor was a happy one when he gave me a goodbye hug and promised to work hard.

My quiet, 4 ½-hour car ride home was one of contemplation, hoping this will be a good year for him. That he’ll stay organized and keep academics his top priority. Sure I want him to have fun, but it’s so easy to get distracted. I just don’t want him to lose sight of the learning he’s there to do.

Normally the house would soon be down to 3 occupants, but C is now a college graduate and living at home for the time-being. I think that will help me feel better – at least I hope so.

After years of reading about parents transitioning into empty-nesters, I’m still surprised to feel this way – sad that my kids (some of them at least) are growing up and no longer in need of a 24/7 mom. I thought I would relish the freedom and time I’d have on my hands.

Instead, I just work more hours! And wait for that front door to open as the kids return.

Laundry instructions take a new spin

Wednesday, August 18, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

It’s been suggested to me that I should create and hang a poster in our laundry room that gives a step-by-step explanation of how to separate clothes and what temperatures and cycles on which the various loads need to be washed and dried.

It makes me cringe. Why should I have to do that?

I have given detailed instruction to each of my kids. Some listened and learned better than others.

For the past year, it’s been mostly a case of out of sight, out of mind. Both boys were at college and I couldn’t see how they were doing their laundry. My daughter at home was a different story, however, and I often had to offer new tutorials of the same principles, hoping they would take.

But with everyone home this summer, there were times when I needed to move one of their loads from washer to dryer so I could get my own laundry (and that of my husband’s) done. That’s when I would often cringe. I’d find loads of jeans, underwear, sweatshirts, white socks, permanent press — all mixed together!

When I’d express my concern, my husband would bring up the poster idea. If it was there as a reference point, he’d say, the laundry would be done more to my satisfaction. I, on the other hand, think people should have listened better when they got their lessons.

So despite the fact that I have paid for most of the clothes that are probably being ruined, I’m letting the laundry go. They can wash their clothes however they want. I’m not going to interfere — or put up posters in the laundry room.

Running to their rescue?

Monday, August 16, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

OK, so I know I wrote about this “Mama Bear” thing last week, but I have to revisit.

It’s one thing to worry about our kids and want to shelter them from being hurt. But how often do you run to their rescue? And by that I mean are you one of those mothers who’ll take the homework they forgot into school on your way to work? Or are you the kind of mom who will go ahead and do their evening chores because they were busy with after-school activities and now have school work to finish? Or maybe you’re the mom who would spend four hours in the car delivering an item that they forgot to take with them to sleep-away camp? Does this sound ridiculous?

Where do you draw the line?

I have to watch myself because I know I have a tendency to want to take care of everybody. ’Cause that’s what a good mom does, right?

Well… not always. A good mom knows when it’s time to step in and when it’s time to step back. Sounds easy, but it’s not always.

Sometimes our kids need to learn the hard way, where no one comes to their rescue. Instead, they need to figure out how to solve whatever problem they have on their own. Some pick up on this naturally while others have a harder time. My kids run the gamut.

So the next time you want to deliver forgotten homework, or help pick up the pieces if disorganization caused them to miss an important deadline, or deliver a needed item to sleep-away camp, stop, and let them learn a lesson in self-sufficiency.

Out of milk — again!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

Am I the only one who ever notices that we’re out of milk? More to the point, is there a reason why one of three other drivers in the house can’t run out and get a new gallon if they see we need it?

“No one asked,” or “I didn’t know you wanted me to” are the normal responses I get when I pose that question to said drivers. But why must I ask to have someone do the obvious?

There are many things I’ve learned to let go. Things like whether the kitchen counter is clean (as in wiped down as well as de-cluttered) or whether the area rug in the living room is in need of vacuuming, or the end tables need to be dusted. From everything I’ve ever read, most men just don’t notice these things and as such, don’t see when they need attention.

But men eat breakfast — often cereal — and thus, need milk to go with it. And they definitely notice (and sometimes gripe) when there’s no milk. There have even been times when I find a lonely, filled bowl of dry cereal sitting on the counter at the end of the day, the result of a too-late discovery that the refrigerator contained no milk.

I’ll bet when I get home tonight, there still will be no milk in the fridge — unless, of course, I stop to pick it up on my way home!

Once a mama bear, always a mama bear

Monday, August 9, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

Does that mother’s instinct to always want to jump in and save your child from getting hurt ever go away?

I’m guessing the answer is no.

I have a hard time, sometimes, stopping myself from interfering. There are times when I’m pretty certain one of the kids is headed for heartache or a big disappointment or a bad outcome of some sort. I’m more likely to chime in with my daughter, who’s still in high school, or with my middle son, who isn’t yet 20. But with my oldest — who, despite the fact that he’s living at home, is an adult and should be treated as such — I’m having more difficulty walking this fine line.

Granted, if whatever mistake I thought he was about to make was life-threatening, I’d have no hesitation whatsoever about speaking up. But those aren’t the things I’m generally concerned about, simply because my kids — knock on wood — don’t seem to get themselves into life-threatening situations. Or if they do, I’m just unaware.

I’m talking more about the things I used to be able to fix. Like when one of the kids would come home from school, upset because someone hurt their feelings or because something happened that they thought was unfair. Mom could usually fix that, either with their favorite snack or some special activity or just some of that motherly encouragement and advice.

But when they get older, their disappointments get bigger and can’t be fixed with cookies and milk or one of mom’s pep talks. That’s hard — maybe even more so for us moms than for our kids.

Offering support — whether they take it or not — is still important, I think. But like it or not, it’s all part of growing up — for us and our kids. Maybe one day I won’t worry? I think not! Once a mama bear, always a mama bear.

Weekend maintenance required

Wednesday, August 4, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

It’s amazing how much I rely on weekends to get stuff done around the house. And when you consider that we’ve been out of town the past three of them, it’s no wonder the house is a mess and there’s a serious need for restocking in the cupboards and refrigerator.

Maybe other working moms are more motivated than I am? Or maybe I’m just lazy? But lately, I’ve had a hard time accomplishing anything other than a load or two of laundry and maybe an errand here or there after coming home from work. I want to relax, and get angry if I can’t. And you know what happens when moms get angry — they take it out on the rest of their family (admittedly, and unfortunately, I’m guilty on this front).

So I’m not sure whether to look forward to this upcoming weekend or dread it. We’ll be at home, which means I have no excuse when it comes to chores like bathroom scrubbing and grocery shopping. That stuff has to get done.

But really, I’d so much rather be on another road trip!

Success on the job front!

Monday, August 2, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

Today is a day to celebrate. My recent college-graduate son just accepted a job offer!

It’s a co-op, not a permanent position. But it’s with a great company, making a good wage. It gets C in the door and with any luck, something permanent will open up while he’s there. If not, he gets excellent experience to add to his resume that can only help him with his next job search. And maybe the next job search will be a little easier if the economy and job market continue to improve.

Another plus: the company is local, so he can live at home and sock away his earnings. Of course, what 22-year-old really wants to live at home with his parents and younger siblings — especially when he shares a room with his brother? Not too many, I’m sure, but you do what’s necessary.

As a parent, it’s good to see him taking a step in the right direction — looking toward his future instead of staying comfy in his past. He’s putting himself out there as an adult, responsible for his actions and his income. It’s scary, but also an exciting time.

A celebration is definitely in order!