Does that mother’s instinct to always want to jump in and save your child from getting hurt ever go away?
I’m guessing the answer is no.
I have a hard time, sometimes, stopping myself from interfering. There are times when I’m pretty certain one of the kids is headed for heartache or a big disappointment or a bad outcome of some sort. I’m more likely to chime in with my daughter, who’s still in high school, or with my middle son, who isn’t yet 20. But with my oldest — who, despite the fact that he’s living at home, is an adult and should be treated as such — I’m having more difficulty walking this fine line.
Granted, if whatever mistake I thought he was about to make was life-threatening, I’d have no hesitation whatsoever about speaking up. But those aren’t the things I’m generally concerned about, simply because my kids — knock on wood — don’t seem to get themselves into life-threatening situations. Or if they do, I’m just unaware.
I’m talking more about the things I used to be able to fix. Like when one of the kids would come home from school, upset because someone hurt their feelings or because something happened that they thought was unfair. Mom could usually fix that, either with their favorite snack or some special activity or just some of that motherly encouragement and advice.
But when they get older, their disappointments get bigger and can’t be fixed with cookies and milk or one of mom’s pep talks. That’s hard — maybe even more so for us moms than for our kids.
Offering support — whether they take it or not — is still important, I think. But like it or not, it’s all part of growing up — for us and our kids. Maybe one day I won’t worry? I think not! Once a mama bear, always a mama bear.
As I move Brian and myself into his dorm at NYU in 2 weeks, I will remind other parents that my reasoning for staying is to live the NYC experience only!
Clearly, this is one of the hardest areas of parenting. We love them so much! But if you can sit back, and know that whatever happens is what’s supposed to happen, for good or bad, and someday they/you will know why, it makes it all a little easier (spoken by a mom of a 9-year-old who can still fix things with cookies and milk!). Still, it’s very hard.
Worrying forever about our children comes with the territory. Stepping back, which is absolutely necessary, does as well. Some parents do it better than others–we’ve all heard of the helicopter parenting phenomenom–but it’s part of what we need to do as part of our role in the whole separation process. We have a 23-year-old new college grad on his way to some likely missteps, but while we’ve offered our two cents, he’s going to have to figure them out himself…which is precisely the way it should be but oh so tough to watch….