Midlife Mom

Navigating the teen years… and beyond

Archive for 2010

Running to their rescue?

Monday, August 16, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

OK, so I know I wrote about this “Mama Bear” thing last week, but I have to revisit.

It’s one thing to worry about our kids and want to shelter them from being hurt. But how often do you run to their rescue? And by that I mean are you one of those mothers who’ll take the homework they forgot into school on your way to work? Or are you the kind of mom who will go ahead and do their evening chores because they were busy with after-school activities and now have school work to finish? Or maybe you’re the mom who would spend four hours in the car delivering an item that they forgot to take with them to sleep-away camp? Does this sound ridiculous?

Where do you draw the line?

I have to watch myself because I know I have a tendency to want to take care of everybody. ’Cause that’s what a good mom does, right?

Well… not always. A good mom knows when it’s time to step in and when it’s time to step back. Sounds easy, but it’s not always.

Sometimes our kids need to learn the hard way, where no one comes to their rescue. Instead, they need to figure out how to solve whatever problem they have on their own. Some pick up on this naturally while others have a harder time. My kids run the gamut.

So the next time you want to deliver forgotten homework, or help pick up the pieces if disorganization caused them to miss an important deadline, or deliver a needed item to sleep-away camp, stop, and let them learn a lesson in self-sufficiency.

Out of milk — again!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

Am I the only one who ever notices that we’re out of milk? More to the point, is there a reason why one of three other drivers in the house can’t run out and get a new gallon if they see we need it?

“No one asked,” or “I didn’t know you wanted me to” are the normal responses I get when I pose that question to said drivers. But why must I ask to have someone do the obvious?

There are many things I’ve learned to let go. Things like whether the kitchen counter is clean (as in wiped down as well as de-cluttered) or whether the area rug in the living room is in need of vacuuming, or the end tables need to be dusted. From everything I’ve ever read, most men just don’t notice these things and as such, don’t see when they need attention.

But men eat breakfast — often cereal — and thus, need milk to go with it. And they definitely notice (and sometimes gripe) when there’s no milk. There have even been times when I find a lonely, filled bowl of dry cereal sitting on the counter at the end of the day, the result of a too-late discovery that the refrigerator contained no milk.

I’ll bet when I get home tonight, there still will be no milk in the fridge — unless, of course, I stop to pick it up on my way home!

Once a mama bear, always a mama bear

Monday, August 9, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

Does that mother’s instinct to always want to jump in and save your child from getting hurt ever go away?

I’m guessing the answer is no.

I have a hard time, sometimes, stopping myself from interfering. There are times when I’m pretty certain one of the kids is headed for heartache or a big disappointment or a bad outcome of some sort. I’m more likely to chime in with my daughter, who’s still in high school, or with my middle son, who isn’t yet 20. But with my oldest — who, despite the fact that he’s living at home, is an adult and should be treated as such — I’m having more difficulty walking this fine line.

Granted, if whatever mistake I thought he was about to make was life-threatening, I’d have no hesitation whatsoever about speaking up. But those aren’t the things I’m generally concerned about, simply because my kids — knock on wood — don’t seem to get themselves into life-threatening situations. Or if they do, I’m just unaware.

I’m talking more about the things I used to be able to fix. Like when one of the kids would come home from school, upset because someone hurt their feelings or because something happened that they thought was unfair. Mom could usually fix that, either with their favorite snack or some special activity or just some of that motherly encouragement and advice.

But when they get older, their disappointments get bigger and can’t be fixed with cookies and milk or one of mom’s pep talks. That’s hard — maybe even more so for us moms than for our kids.

Offering support — whether they take it or not — is still important, I think. But like it or not, it’s all part of growing up — for us and our kids. Maybe one day I won’t worry? I think not! Once a mama bear, always a mama bear.

Weekend maintenance required

Wednesday, August 4, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

It’s amazing how much I rely on weekends to get stuff done around the house. And when you consider that we’ve been out of town the past three of them, it’s no wonder the house is a mess and there’s a serious need for restocking in the cupboards and refrigerator.

Maybe other working moms are more motivated than I am? Or maybe I’m just lazy? But lately, I’ve had a hard time accomplishing anything other than a load or two of laundry and maybe an errand here or there after coming home from work. I want to relax, and get angry if I can’t. And you know what happens when moms get angry — they take it out on the rest of their family (admittedly, and unfortunately, I’m guilty on this front).

So I’m not sure whether to look forward to this upcoming weekend or dread it. We’ll be at home, which means I have no excuse when it comes to chores like bathroom scrubbing and grocery shopping. That stuff has to get done.

But really, I’d so much rather be on another road trip!

Success on the job front!

Monday, August 2, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

Today is a day to celebrate. My recent college-graduate son just accepted a job offer!

It’s a co-op, not a permanent position. But it’s with a great company, making a good wage. It gets C in the door and with any luck, something permanent will open up while he’s there. If not, he gets excellent experience to add to his resume that can only help him with his next job search. And maybe the next job search will be a little easier if the economy and job market continue to improve.

Another plus: the company is local, so he can live at home and sock away his earnings. Of course, what 22-year-old really wants to live at home with his parents and younger siblings — especially when he shares a room with his brother? Not too many, I’m sure, but you do what’s necessary.

As a parent, it’s good to see him taking a step in the right direction — looking toward his future instead of staying comfy in his past. He’s putting himself out there as an adult, responsible for his actions and his income. It’s scary, but also an exciting time.

A celebration is definitely in order!

Star struck

Friday, July 30, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

A reunion minus one family member

Wednesday, July 28, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

OK, so I’m having big mother-guilt feelings about my recent decision: I am going to a family reunion without my 19-year-old son.

I have been in a bit of a quandary over what to do about this for several weeks now. It’s a family reunion. It also happens to be in a place that’s about a 7-hour drive away. And because of G’s work schedule, it would be impossible for us to arrive at the beautiful Great Lake(side) lodge with gorgeous outdoor swimming pool before about 3 a.m. on Saturday morning.

What was it a dying Spock said in that climactic scene in one of the Star Trek movies? “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” After much consideration, I decided that as sad as it will be to leave G at home — alone — it’s not fair to the rest of us to drive all that way and only get to spend a few hours with people we don’t see very often before turning around and coming back home on Sunday.

He’s OK with the decision, although I’m sure he’d have a great time swimming and enjoying the outdoor activities there. It’s me who’s wishing there was some way I could make it work.

It just seems wrong to go to a family reunion without my whole family. But it’s just another sign of changing dynamics. The kids are older and with that comes the reality of their own schedules for school and work. Those schedules don’t always jive with plans for trips and gatherings and other family activities.

I guess I’ve just got to get used to it. But it might take me a while!

An education in socialization

Monday, July 26, 2010 by:Rebecca Haynes

How many of you take your older kids along with you when you’re invited to someone’s house for a barbecue or casual dinner?

My husband and I seem to disagree on this matter. He thinks the kids should always be in tow and I don’t see any reason to bring them if they’re just going to sit and not talk to anyone.

Once your kids are older (our youngest is 15) they really don’t want to hang out with their parents or with their parents’ friends — especially when said friends have much younger children. But my husband feels it’s part of their life skills education — that they need to learn to converse with other adults and show interest in things other than themselves.

And I would agree. But once your kids reach a certain age it’s hard to make them do anything. You certainly can’t make them be charming and sociable if they’ve decided they don’t want to be. So sometimes I think leaving them home is the best route to take.

Am I giving them a free pass?

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