Midlife Mom

Navigating the teen years… and beyond
About Rebecca Haynes

Archive for November, 2011

Holidays are here!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011 by:Rebecca Haynes
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Are you ready for the holidays? I’m not, but that’s nothing new. Aside from my husband and children, most of the rest of my family lives far away — far enough that family gatherings are few and far between. So most holidays, it’s just the five of us.

This year is an exception, as my parents will be visiting for Thanksgiving. I’m trying very hard (and have gotten much better in recent years) to be laid back about having guests. To not obsess over cleaning, preparation, shopping — everything that goes with company.

But last weekend filled up quickly, as often happens. So no grocery shopping or meal planning was done. And work Monday and Tuesday (as well as evening commitments) leaves Wednesday to get everything taken care of. It’ll get done, but I might be a little harried come Wednesday afternoon!

I’m always amazed at how others I know seem to be able to pull off entertaining both graciously and effortlessly. Of course, I know that’s not the case, but they always make it seem as though it is. There for a while, my husband and I were hosting frequent gatherings at our house. It helped loosen me up, worry less about perfection.

But work and other responsibilities have gotten in the way of late, so there’s been no party at the Haynes residence for a while. So now it’s time to celebrate and enjoy the company of family and friends.

Here’s hoping you all do the same. Happy Thanksgiving!

Overcoming a character flaw

Monday, November 21, 2011 by:Rebecca Haynes
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Do I have a character flaw? One that means I have no willpower or the backbone to stay disciplined when it comes to eating and exercising?

I had dinner with a friend not too long ago and at one point during our lovely evening out the conversation — as it always tends to do when two or more women gather — focused on weight and exercise. She is fit and trim and I, needless to say, have some work to do.

Her husband, she told me, thinks people who are overweight have a character flaw, lacking the discipline needed to stick with a plan and carry it through. She wasn’t in any way trying to offend me. In fact, the thought probably never even crossed her mind that this comment might have that effect.

For background, her husband lost 20-plus pounds a couple years ago and since then has been compulsive about keeping it off. I’ve seen him calculate how many minutes of exercise he’ll have to do if he eats a certain item. His exercise is vigorous and long, burning lots of calories. And he does it almost daily. He has a competitive personality and if he’s not trying to beat someone else, he’s trying to beat himself and whatever fitness goal he’s set.

I think this is great and there have been times in my life when I was this committed to a goal. So is it just an excuse that life gets in the way? One used by people like myself, with character flaws? Of course, I will be curious to see whether my friend is able to stick with his intense fitness regimen once the twins he and his wife are expecting — their first children — are born. I hope he can!

Is it possible to live a fit and healthy lifestyle in a non-obsessive kind of way? I’m trying to do that now, taking it on in baby steps and trying to master one step before I move onto the next. It will be a slow process, but one that I’m hoping will help me reach my goal to take better care of myself.

So here’s hoping I can overcome that character flaw!

Using the teaching moment

Wednesday, November 16, 2011 by:Rebecca Haynes
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Life’s not fair. Most of us know this, but for our kids, it can be a tough lesson.

We teach them that if they work hard and play by the rules, good things will happen. And thankfully, much of the time that’s the case. But what if they do those things and life hands them lemons? How do we help them handle their disappointment or anger? How can we keep them from giving up, or adopting a bad attitude?

Our kids have dealt with many different disappointments as they’ve grown. And it came up again recently when K’s cheer team lost a big championship because a safety judge made a bad call, citing the team for a violation that the official event video clearly shows they did not commit. They deserved to win and should have won, but life stepped in — something they couldn’t control — and messed it up.

It wasn’t fair.

But then something happened that helped the team move on. The judge called their coach to apologize. She had watched the video and admitted that she’d made a terrible mistake. So now the girls are letting it go, focusing on their next competition.

But most people don’t get an apology when circumstances butt in and ruin their game plan. So we have to teach our kids to be resilient and flexible and not take things personally.

Like so many recent college graduates who can’t find a job. They played by the rules — worked hard in high school, got into a good college, then worked hard to get that degree, which was supposed to help land them a job in their field of interest. No such luck for many. But it doesn’t mean they should give up. Circumstances — the bad economy — may have gotten in their way, but they still need a game plan, even if they have to keep changing it based on what life throws at them.

As parents, we need to help our kids learn to look at difficult situations objectively. Is there an issue they can try to fix to remedy the situation? Can they use the situation to effect some change for the greater good? If not, can we help them see life’s bigger picture, learn to take their lumps and move on?

It’s a tough lesson, but one that must be learned.

Don’t forget to say thanks

Friday, November 11, 2011 by:Rebecca Haynes
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How often do you say thanks?

I don’t do it enough and need to be better about it. And I’m not talking about thanking someone if they pay you a compliment or expressing gratitude to a friend who helps you solve a problem. Most of us know when to say thank you in social situations where we’ve been taught to be polite.

I’m talking about saying thank you to the people we often take for granted — our immediate family members. How often do you let them know that you appreciate the little things they do that mostly go unnoticed? Things like making sure the bills get paid on time or the grass gets mowed, snow gets shoveled or the laundry appears clean in your drawer, just when you were down to your last pair of underwear.

Who makes sure your favorite foods end up in the refrigerator, or that you’re putting money away for retirement or to buy that next car when the one you’re driving is about to die? And instead of being frustrated if your spouse works long hours, maybe you should thank them for their hard work that helps support your family?

So consider this a friendly reminder… don’t forget to show appreciation for those most important to you. You may know how much you treasure them, but make sure they know it too.

Hats off to runners!

Friday, November 4, 2011 by:Rebecca Haynes
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I’ve always had admiration for runners — especially long-distance runners. The dedication and hard work it takes is beyond my comprehension!

I don’t think anyone in my family would label themselves a runner. Although my husband runs on the treadmill as part of his daily workouts, he’s never been among the people you see running in the neighborhood and as far as racing, he’s done occasional 5Ks as part of corporate challenge events with work.

I’ve done a few 10Ks and one half-marathon (several years ago when I was in much better shape!), but I don’t run — I power walk, and that’s a big difference. And whenever I suggested to any of my kids that they come and walk with me (or run while I walked if the high school track was my destination), they looked at me like I had just suggested we take a walk on the moon. “Why would I want to do that?” was generally their response.

Luckily my kids grew up participating in serious athletics: the boys playing hockey and K a competitive gymnast. So they were always fit and getting plenty of exercise. But I’m starting to wish we were a tennis family or had taken on some fitness activity we could do together. Hiking is something three out of the five us enjoy, but if we insist the other two join us they are not very enthusiastic!

So it would be nice if we were runners.

This weekend I’ll be heading down to the NYC marathon to cheer on a dear friend who is running for the second time in the event. It’s an exciting and exhilarating atmosphere to see all of that hard work and dedication and to be able to offer these athletes support through our cheers.

My hats off to all of them, and to any of you who will be giving it your best!

Living with no power

Wednesday, November 2, 2011 by:Rebecca Haynes
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How many of us are tied to our Blackberries or iPhones? Or maybe we don’t leave home without our laptops or other electronic devices that keep us “connected.”

Problem is, none of these devices work when there’s no power — at least not for long without benefit of an electrical outlet and charging unit. So this past weekend’s nor’easter — and massive power outages left in its wake — has posed major problems for many, especially here in Connecticut.

Therefore, what I’m about to say may irk some of you. That is, having to live with no electricity is not always a bad thing.

Of course, I also agree that power outages are a hassle, a major inconvenience and sometimes a serious safety issue and financial hardship. Having to live without power for more than 24 hours in a society that is totally built around power is nearly impossible. Without it, we don’t have the means to stay warm, safe and comfortable — unless we’re lucky enough to have a generator or a fireplace!

But let’s say you only have to live without power for 24 hours. That’s doable, right? And what it allows is peace and quiet and quality time with your family where you don’t have to worry about being plugged in and “available.”

How many of us might have used a power outage to play games or read more with our kids? With no TV or computer to check in on Facebook statuses, maybe our teens actually had conversations with us? Maybe some of us were able to lower our blood pressure because our out-of-juice electronics prevented us from spending Saturday or Sunday checking e-mails to make sure there wasn’t anything at work that needed our attention. And maybe some families “camped out” together in the living room in front of a warm fireplace.

Yes, technology is great. But sometimes I think it’s also our undoing. So it’s not a bad thing, on occasion, to live without it.