Midlife Mom

Navigating the teen years… and beyond
About Rebecca Haynes

Archive for May, 2012

Passing along the gift of friends

Wednesday, May 23, 2012 by:Rebecca Haynes
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How good are your kids at cultivating friendships?

And how much do you encourage them to do so?

I’m hoping my kids have learned from their father. He is still friends with the guys who were his best friends in high school. And he’s maintained those friendships despite the fact that he’s more than 35 years past that graduation date, hasn’t lived in the community where he grew up for nearly the same amount of time, and has made other friends since then — at the colleges where he earned his degrees, at his various jobs and in the towns where we’ve lived.

These guys are still the group that he turns to and most wants to spend his time with — at least when it’s possible. Even though several of them are still in the area where they all grew up, which is several hours away from us by car, the rest are scattered over the country.

Lucky for me, some of his friends have become my friends — and by osmosis, those friends’ wives. We’ve shared some family milestones and through the years have visited when possible, usually with the kids in tow. They’re trips I’ve always looked forward to.

I can’t say whether this group of guys is unusual. But I admire them. Despite the fact that I had very close friends who meant a lot to me, I was not so good at staying in touch after high school, college, marriage and then moving progressively farther away from where I grew up.

So I hope our kids emulate their dad on this one.

Recently we went back to his hometown to a college graduation party for the sons of one of his lifelong friends. At the end of the evening, that friend compared his boys and their friends to himself, my husband and their group of buddies. His boys, he said, have cultivated the same type of close-knit friendships that will last a lifetime.

What a great gift to have passed along. I hope the same for my kids.

Bye, bye summer camp

Friday, May 11, 2012 by:Rebecca Haynes
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Thank goodness my kids are old enough that summer camps are no longer an issue — unless they’re working as counselors.

This annual ritual used to stress me out. The idyllic summer Adirondack sleep-away camps were out of our price range and finding camps that fit the budget and the kids’ interest was a challenge. The boys, of course, always did a week or two of hockey camp (but those were day camps) and K did her standard week at a sleep-away gymnastics camp. Other than that, they went to day camps run by our village or town.

The other day I listened to one of my friends run down all of the day camps her young daughter will attend to keep her busy over the summer. It made my head spin! So much planning and organizing — and check writing!

Maybe it’s age. I’m so comfortable now with having kids who are grown (or nearly grown) that it makes me thankful when I listen to the challenges of parents with young kids. I just can’t imagine still doing some of those things.

And that used to make me sad. Make me feel like I must be a bad mom because I didn’t pine for my children’s younger days.

But now I’m over that! And quite happy that my kids will be busy working this summer — well, two out of three for sure. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for the third.

The price of beauty

Wednesday, May 9, 2012 by:Rebecca Haynes
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How much is looking good worth?

Recently I’ve dropped some big bucks (at least by my standards) on appointments at the hair salon. OK, so I’ve been coloring my hair for several years to cover up the growing onslaught of grays. Nothing outrageous, just a color that comes pretty close to matching my own — or at least the color it used to be before the grays began to take over.

But on a recent visit I splurged and got some highlights, which more than doubled the cost of the visit.

And recently I took my teenage daughter, long overdue for a haircut, in for her turn. Her long, very damaged locks were in need of some TLC (she uses lots of “product” and a hot flat iron nearly every day). Turns out she needed a “detox” to get rid of the buildup from some not-so-good hair products.

The cut itself was reasonable. It’s all the money I plopped down on the new, good-for-your-hair products that will help her maintain her shorter, shiny, healthy ‘do.

Hopefully she’ll master her new routine and walk off to school each morning feeling good about the way she looks. Not that she doesn’t already, but as most of us probably remember, at 17, sometimes you need a little boost of self-confidence.

For me, after plunking down a hefty wad of cash on my highlights, I couldn’t wait for the compliments to start rolling in. But nobody noticed. At least, if they did, no one said anything (except my husband, who was quite supportive even though I know he grimaced when he saw how much cash came out of the account with that debit card transaction!).

I’ll think twice before I spend that kind of money again — at least on me.

On the other hand, I hope my daughter gets lots of compliments. It will make the cost of looking good a little more justified.

No more SATs — we hope!

Monday, May 7, 2012 by:Rebecca Haynes
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Sometimes I long for the “simple” times of the ’70s. It was during this decade that I attended high school, began college and, of course, took those dreaded college entrance exams.

Where I grew up the ACT was the test of choice, but I took the SAT as well. I have no idea what my scores were — not that great, I’m sure. Back then, we took these tests once, with no prep or months of pre-test stress. We went in, took the exam, and what we got was what we got.

Or maybe that was just protocol for the Midwest, where I grew up? Maybe the SAT — here in the Northeast — has always been the high-stakes, high-stress, high-cost drama that we’ve been through with our kids? I don’t think so, based on conversations I’ve had with many of my friends who grew up in this part of the country.

But whatever the case, I’m hoping the Haynes family is now — and forever — done with college entrance exams. K took the SAT this past weekend for the second time — this after several months of very expensive private tutoring sessions. It’s such a racket. Nearly every parent I speak to has shelled out a small fortune for test prep and tutoring. I would rather have put those dollars toward college tuition. Or used them for some much-needed home improvement projects.

But here in the Northeast we keep up with the Joneses. We shell out cash for the benefit of our children as if it grows on trees. Some can afford it, but many sacrifice greatly to do it. To give our kids every advantage we can provide.

Many kids take these tests 3, even 4 times to try to up their scores. Give them that edge when it comes to college acceptance. To make sure they can get into schools we can’t afford in the first place. Schools whose costs will put them — or us — into major debt before that degree is earned.

Me? I’m hoping the second time’s the charm and K never has to take the SAT again. Then we all can put this chapter behind us… until the GREs, of course.

But that, I think, will be up to them to figure out.