Midlife Mom

Navigating the teen years… and beyond
About Rebecca Haynes

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A breast cancer dialogue

Thursday, May 16, 2013 by:Rebecca Haynes
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Times sure have changed.

Thirty years ago I was a new reporter on a health beat, and remember writing a story about new trends in breast reconstruction surgery. It was an evolving field and the procedure wasn’t as common as it is today — even for cancer patients. Many women who had to undergo what were called “radical” or “modified radical” mastectomies lived the rest of their lives with scars where their breasts used to be. Insurance carriers, for the most part, considered reconstruction “cosmetic” and wouldn’t cover it.

Today, reconstructive surgery is a normal part of the breast cancer dialogue. And it’s a welcome light at the end of the tunnel for women faced with the devastating diagnosis. Yes, they have to battle cancer and everything that goes with it. But they no longer have to live their lives feeling deformed or scarred. They can look like a “normal” woman.

We’ve come a long way. Hard to believe we still haven’t figured out how the beat the cancer before it starts.

 

A parent’s take on Angelina

Wednesday, May 15, 2013 by:Rebecca Haynes
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No matter what you might think about Angelina Jolie, her decision to have a preventive bilateral mastectomy and then talk about that decision in a public forum should be applauded.

But she’s not the first. There are more and more women making similar decisions as medicine continues to advance and as we’re better able to assess our risks and options when it comes to life-threatening diseases, like cancer. The only difference is that these women don’t have the star-power and name recognition that helps get the subject in the news and on people’s minds. These women are our neighbors, our friends, our family members.

Speaking as a parent, I think most of us would do whatever it takes to live as long as possible. To see our kids grow and succeed and have their own wonderful lives as adults. To be there for them, as a parent wants to be. Angelina’s decision, like those made by so many others, took this into account. And even though the focus here may be on breast cancer,  there are plenty of dads who have battled other diseases and forms of cancer and also made decisions based on giving them as much time here on Earth as possible — for the same reasons.

Of course there’s the other side to the argument. People who believe a decision like Angelina’s is made prematurely based on information that may or may not be reliable and based on a disease that behaves differently in different people. Nothing is a guarantee.

But at least the decisions lie in our own hands — as difficult as that may be.

 

 

They don’t call it ‘under’wear for nothing

Friday, May 3, 2013 by:Rebecca Haynes
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Sometimes I wonder if fashion will ever return to the day when showing your underwear wasn’t part of the look.

For females, that means the bra and the straps that hold it up, as well as the top of the thong that peeks out from the low-rise jeans. For males, that means the boxer shorts that the world sees way too much of (in my humble opinion). Really, sometimes I wonder why these guys even bother to wear pants at all?

Western culture continues to sexualize everything. Our kids, unfortunately, have grown up with it. It’s normal to them. I remember when K was 8 and 9 and it was nearly impossible to buy her clothes that weren’t skimpy and didn’t show skin in her midriff. The interesting thing was, she didn’t like any of the clothes out there either. She was uncomfortable putting on anything that was in any way revealing (which, at 8 or 9 years old, is the way it should be). But manufacturers still pumped out the “sexy” styles sized down for tweens.

Still today, at 18, she dresses relatively conservatively when you look at other kids her age, although I’ve lost the battle of the bra strap. And the ubiquitous skinny jeans are so tight they leave nothing to the imagination.

I keep hoping for that fashion swing (you know, how styles supposedly come back around) that takes us back to clothes that are flattering, but more modest!

 

 

Supporting your adult child?

Wednesday, May 1, 2013 by:Rebecca Haynes
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Parenting is expensive. From diapers and formula to preschool and summer camps, travel hockey, gymnastics, clothes, shoes, computers and electronic gadgets — then on to college — families today spend mega bucks raising children.

So what would you think about letting your gainfully employed, college-graduate child live with you for four years after earning that degree? Would you do it to help them get a leg up? Or do you see it as a time for them to fly the coop? A time for you to take back your bank account?

I read a fascinating blog on Movoto.com by a young man named Chris Kolmar. He laments that he jumped out of college into his own apartment — and all of the expenses that came with it. So four years later he has negligible savings and is no closer to one of his main goals — buying a house.

And because he kept a detailed spreadsheet of his expenses, he was able to calculate how much money he would have saved by living with his parents. Ready for this? $85,000. This is based on his calculation of saving $1,800 a month and investing it at 4 percent.

He would have saved not only on rent, but also on groceries, utilities, electronics, cleaning supplies, and all of those items you need to live, like toilet paper and bath soap. Plus he would have reaped non-monetary benefits, like enjoying his mother’s cooking instead of frozen pizza, and having a premium cable package and wifi at his disposal.

The one thing he doesn’t say is whether his parents would have been OK with him living at home (and letting his mom wait on him). How about you? Would you be willing to support your income-earning, college-graduate adult child?

Of course there would have to be definite rules established. A pre-determined amount of Johnny’s paycheck (read: most of it!) would have to be untouchable, going right into that savings. And Susie can’t take advantage of your generosity by going out and spending her money frivolously, which could be a bit dicey to regulate.

Am wondering how many of us would be willing to do this? Definitely food for thought.

Starting the pre-college purge

Monday, April 29, 2013 by:Rebecca Haynes
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Anybody want a cute little gray dwarf rabbit?

Gracie has been K’s pet for about the past 6 years and, call me a bad mother, but I do not want to have to clean her cage and take care of her come late August, when K goes off to college.

So we told K she’s got to find a good home for Gracie. She was shocked.

It’s not that I dislike Gracie, but she’s not my pet. Nor do I want a pet rabbit. K has single-handedly taken care of her and because Gracie was only a few months old when K got her, she has lived practically her whole life in K’s room.

There are a lot of things in that bedroom that are going to have to be given away in preparation for college departure. Luckily, Gracie is the only living being — at least I think so, but I’m very afraid of what we will find under the bed or buried in the closet!

 

Remember, most people are good-doers

Friday, April 19, 2013 by:Rebecca Haynes
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How many terrorists do you personally know? Or murderers or thieves or rapists or other evil-doers? Those who set out specifically to harm as many innocent people as they possibly can.

Zero.

That’s how many I know, and I’ll bet that’s how many you know, too.

None of us should ever forget that there are very bad people out there who aim to do evil things (we’ve certainly had ample evidence of that in some of the events of the past few months). But let’s also remember that their numbers are miniscule. That they pale in comparison to most of the world — made up of good, kind, caring people who lend a hand to friends (and strangers) when needed.

How many of those good people do you know? I’m not sure how to answer that question. Dozens? Hundreds? Pretty much everybody I know and have ever known.

I’ll bet your answer is the same.

Fewer teens behind the wheel?

Wednesday, April 17, 2013 by:Rebecca Haynes
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Do you worry that your kids spend too much time online? I do. Particularly our youngest, who’s 18 and never seems to shut off her laptop while she’s home unless she has her iPod with wifi in hand.

I shudder to think what she’d do with a smart phone (which I refuse to buy).

I’ve even heard stories of gatherings of teens where nobody speaks to each other. Instead, they all sit texting (sometimes to the people in the same room!) and logged on to social media sites.

It’s a problem really, that kids are losing important social skills. They don’t know how to interact face to face. They don’t know how to make phone calls or to get information by asking questions of another person. It’s so much easier to ask the computer!

Turns out there’s another skill many teens are lacking. They don’t know how to drive — or at least they’re not that excited to do it.

Yes, you heard me. We’re seeing fewer teens on the road and researchers attribute this to the Internet and proliferation of hand-held devices that can access it.

According to a University of Michigan Transportation Institute study, more than 30 percent of 19-year-olds did not have a driver’s license in 2010. Compare this with the 12.7 percent who lacked said license in 1983.

Teens today don’t need to drive a car to see their friends. They simply turn on the computer.

 

 

Moving up the parent ladder

Wednesday, March 27, 2013 by:Rebecca Haynes
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Recently my husband and I went to a birthday party for two very adorable one-year-olds.

The twin daughters of our good friends, we were happy to be part of their celebration. Like so many couples today, they postponed starting a family. So even though they aren’t that much younger than my husband and I, we are way ahead of them when it comes to raising children.

And that’s a good thing, as far as I’m concerned.

I’m finding myself very content to be where I am in life, with grown (or mostly grown) children. I like the fact that they’re independent and doing their own things. I like the fact that they’re becoming productive members of society. I like the fact that they’re mostly responsible for themselves (except financially, of course!).

Sure, being the parent of older kids has its challenges and stresses. The stakes are higher should something go wrong. Many of the decisions we’re making have greater consequence than the myriad of daily decisions we made for the kids when they were younger. Helping to shepherd the college decision, for example, is more stressful and crucial (in my humble opinion) than deciding whether to sign your child up for T-ball or figuring out which nursery school is the right fit. Of course, the last thing I’m suggesting is that parenting young children is easy. It’s hard work, and I know it. It’s just different kind of work. Parenting younger children is more tiring, physically; parenting older children is more tiring, mentally.

Kids who are older and independent may find themselves in situations that are more fraught with peril — we can no longer control their environment, their friends or what they’re doing. That’s scary for any parent.

But it’s their life to lead. And their decisions to make.

For parents like me, it’s the best test of whether we did a good job raising them.

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