Interpreted as an Invitation
Yonkers, NY: State Trooper Chuck Schwartz got a big surprise last Tuesday night when doing a routine speed patrol on the Cross County Parkway.
“I was waiting in my usual spot, you know, at the bottom of that big hill and after the long curve to the left,” said Schwartz, “when I clocked a guy going 72 miles per hour. It wasn’t ten miles over the speed limit but it was good for a $150 ticket, and it was a slow night so I knew my boss’d be pissed if I didn’t pull him over, so I put on my lights and went after the guy.”
That’s when things got interesting. An alien spaceship descended rapidly towards the accelerating police car, in what appeared to be amorous advance.
Scientist Joe Kelly of the Advanced Institute for Somewhat Smart People Who Aren’t Skeptical About Alien Encounters (AISSPWASAAE) said that such occurrences were becoming more and more frequent. “The incredible brightness of the new LED police car warning lights, the color variations and the strobe effect are not only visible in distant galaxies, but apparently they are of a pattern that this particular alien race finds irresistible.”
“At the Institute we call the lights a ‘summons,’” added Kelly as an aside.
Attempts of alien spaceships to mate with police cars have been reported throughout the northeast, southeast, Midwest, northwest, and southwest ever since the new high-tech LED warning lights have started to become regular equipment on squad cars. “The aliens must have detected the lights, and, well, we’re assuming that they experienced such a powerful lustful yearning that they sent out spacecraft immediately to meet them,” said Kelly.
“Our original intent was not to attract amorous aliens,” says State police chief Joseph Plodkintz. “The high-tech super-bright lights and strobe effect were to protect officers in the field, especially at night. The lights are highly visible for several miles, and an arresting officer, busy collecting important revenue for the state by ticketing people who venture even slightly over the speed limit, would be safe from oncoming traffic which would slow when the lights were turned on.”
State Trooper Schwartz agreed. “I definitely felt safer with the new lights on my squad car,” he said. “Everyone on the road had to slow down because they were practically blinded by the lights. And the strobe effect and the brightness made it look like I was taking up the whole highway, rather than just the shoulder.”
He chuckled a little. “You know, it was actually sort of enjoyable watching all those assholes have to slow down. They would be backed up for miles! And when I first turned those lights on at night, you know, it was always fun to see the cars swerve. It scared the bejesus out of them, so that always brightened my day. No pun intended. Ha ha.”
Schwartz was lucky to be there for this interview. “The spacecraft shot their ray-thingie at me, and the car started to shudder and then rise from the ground,” he said. “I got out just in time.”
Schwartz suffered some minor abrasions and a bruise on his left buttock when he leapt, screaming like a little girl, from his car.
The squad car hasn’t been seen since the alien spacecraft beamed it up. But Schwartz says that it has communicated with the station via police radio that it was expecting squadcarlings in about three months, and was hopeful that the police station guys & gals would throw a baby shower.